I LOVE YARN DAY!

Here it is again!  I love yarn day!  Woo!

I do.  I love yarn.  I love the way it smells, the way it feels, the way it works up to make something wonderful.  I love molding and crafting it, making my vision come to life.

I love yarn.  

If you are a fiber addicted, happy I love yarn day!  And if you're not, well you should be, but it's okay if you aren't.  Instead, wish your favorite yarner a happy I love yarn day!

Two Things

So you know I gave up on the CAL because it was just bad. (And not getting any better, I checked out the next clue just for shits and giggles and holy god, did anyone actually try these stitches together??  Awful!)  But that means I have this yarn, right?  And i know it's enough for a throw.  But while I was at the craft store this past weekend, I picked up one more skein of each color.  

I've wanted to make myself another blanket for a while now, and I love these colors (there's blue going on, I love blue, I can't resist blue) so I thought it would be nice for me.  And with the weather cooling down, it won't even be too hot to work on it with it on my lap.  And I wanted to think of something good and interesting.  So it's round.  Yep.  Round.  Well, actually, it's kind of like a soft octagon without defined points.  But yeah, round.  I'm enjoying the hell out of it.  I know I won't when it gets really big and it takes forever to go all the way around, but still.  I'll be happy when it's done.  

The other things is that sometime at the end of the month, I'll get the first edits back for my novella which will probably release sometime at the end of January.  I'm equals parts excited and nervous.  It's going to be work, and it'll probably sting a bit right?  Because I love these guys and their story. But it's going to be fun too; working to make the story better, and getting my very own cover.  

So at any rate, I'm anxious and exited in equal measures.  And I hate waiting, so even though there's still twenty days or so to go before I get that first thing, it's a little bit wearing on me.  But I look forward to the end of the month doubly so now.

Hope everyone is doing well in their respective corners of the world!  

Surviving and The Wait

You'll all be happy to know that I survived the weekend.  Mostly, the girls were all over Sis and that gave me ample opportunity to hide.  Not that I was invited along anyway, and mostly I didn't want to be, so it was okay.  I would have liked to be invited to the book store, but since I don't have any extra money to spend right this moment anyway, I let the hurt go on that pretty quickly.  It was good to see them, and the little one (she's ten) told me I should write about finding a young man finding a skeleton in the woods.  When he doesn't know what to do, he buries it, only for it to come to life and come after him.  She's got quite and imagination...I think she could be an author herself someday.

I have today off of work as well.  Yesterday was glorious, and I was so very lazy, so that was good.  Today, I'm drinking my coffee of deliciousness, and waiting for the next disappointing clue for the CAL to go live.  Then I'll work that up quickly and add it to my scarf.  After that, I intend to write.  I think I've got a bit of mojo back, and the beginnings of a long novella in my brain.  I'm not quite sure where it's going to go yet, there's still some plot points I need to work out, but I feel good about it.  We shall see, hm?

I am already dreading going back to work tomorrow, but I'm trying very hard not to let it spoil my day. I'm going to do good and enjoyable things instead, and make the day last as long as I possibly can.  In a couple of weeks, I have another two days off, and that is something to look forward to as well.

But in the meantime, I'm waiting for that next clue (which is frustrating) and then I'll get on with other things.  I have a couple episodes of Treehouse Masters to watch as well.  I'll do that with the yarning.  I really do love that show.  :)

Hope everyone is having an enjoyable week thus far!

Bad News, Good News

So Sis and I have had sister time a lot lately.   Usually that involves a meal out and then hanging out together, yarning and watching TV, or maybe a little shopping.  We've only been doing it for a few months, since early summer, with any sort of regularity, but I've really come to rely on it.  

My sister time is getting usurped this weekend.  And though there's a very good reason, I find myself resentful.  I'm trying not to be, I really am, but I sort of can't help it.

The cousin and her girls are coming in, and the cousin is heading off to visiting with the ailing father of a friend, and leaving the girls with us.  Taking over my house, demanding attention, being...ridiculous.  And they'll be attached to Sis like barnacles.  

Now this last bit is good, because that means I can leave them to their own devices and just do my own thing.  This always makes me happy.  You know I like to be left alone.  But it's bad because I don't get my grounding sister time.  Or if we attempt sister time, then it's two sets of sisters, one of whom is 10 and well...she lives in her own world and while she's adorable, she's also irritating.  Mostly because she demands attention in a way that is more befitting a four year old.  

*heavy sigh*

Okay, I'm aware I'm totally being petulant and not at all acting my age myself.  I'm just disappointed and that makes me revert.  I just need to build a bridge and get over it.

But here's the good news!  I have a couple of days off from work, Monday and Tuesday, which means I have a long weekend and I'm looking forward to that immensely.  Now I'm leery of making any sort of plans.  But there's a couple of things I want to do: treat myself to breakfast from McDonald's.  Read a couple of books I haven't gotten to yet.  Write and yarn.  Drink coffee in my pajamas.  You know, the usual lazing around stuff.  

Everyone have a lovely weekend!

Update from the Attic

--My shoulder hurts.  Because I'm right handed, of course it's my right shoulder.  The funny thing is, I didn't do anything to it.  I really didn't.  Maybe I slept on it weird, but that's the only thing.  I'm stretching it, and sometimes it feels better than others, but I don't think I did any real damage to it or anything.  I'm hoping it heals up and is pain free soon.

--Disappointed in the CAL.  Disappointed in the choices for stitches, and in the forum.  Disappointed I'm still not getting the weekly emails I'm supposed to and I have to go looking for the clues each week.  It's not the experience I wanted it to be.  I'm finishing it, sort of out of spite now, but I can tell you that if this particular group does another CAL/KAL, i am not joining.

--I feel freer and lighter than I have in a while...and even though I got some bad news yesterday, it didn't get me too far down.  For a couple of minutes there, I needed some reassurance.  But a friend lifted me up, gave me the reassurance I needed, and I moved on.  No dizzying black spiral for me!

--My brain is in love with someone, which is why it thought of a rock awesome project for them.  So yes, that's added to the list.  I'm aiming for birthday as that gives me quite a few months.  It's sort of involved.  But yes, new project added to the pile.

--I've recently learned that collaborating with like-minded people is a fun and awesome experience.  It makes me grin and brings me joy.  Of course, with three minds, even though they are similar, there's a bit of confusion.  But half the fun is sorting out what people mean.  

--The bobs are still doing fantastically.  The Mase Cane has put out a new shoot, and I swear everyday it grows a little more.  This makes me so happy, and I love checking on it and all the other bobs, seeing them grow.  I also picked up an orchid this past weekend to add to the bob collection.  And a friend gave me a wee tiny bob (a plant of the African violet family).  Pretty soon, my space will be overrun with bobs.  I'm very much looking forward to it.

--You know that fall is my favorite season, and it's been wonderful weather the last couple of weeks.  Chilly at night and in the morning, warming up to almost 70 during the day.  I could do with a little cooler than 70, though, if I'm honest.  I love sweaters and hoodies.  And though they are predicting more of the same over about the next week, i know that before too long, it'll be cool all the time and I am really very much looking forward to that.

--Work is still stressful, but I'm doing better in the overall, and so that's helping me to deal with that.

Coming Out

I wasn't going to do this.  I didn't think it was important, I didn't think it mattered.  But now I feel it does, and I'm ready to say it out loud.

I am bisexual.

I've known it about myself, and have accepted it within me, for a long time.  Years.  About 14 of them, actually.  But I didn't admit it out loud.  I didn't see the point.  I wasn't dating anyone at all, I tend towards men, so it wasn't something I needed to put out there.  But ever since that first time I admitted it out loud to someone else a few months ago, there's been something lighter inside me.  I never struggled with it for myself, but I didn't acknowledge it much either, and I didn't realize that it was a quiet, unobtrusive weight until I said it out loud and felt that lift.

The first person I told was a dear, wonderful friend who has my back always, and kicks my ass when I need it.  I knew I was safe telling him, and he barely blinked, which was what I needed.

I told Sis.  Her reaction? "I know."  I asked her how she knew and she said that girl parts didn't gross me out.  That made me smile, and we talked about it a little, but it's just a part of me for her.

I told Brub, Tato, and the BFF when we were talking about someone else and it just burst out of my mouth, "I'm bi."  There was a beat of silence.  Tato asked,"Really?"  I said, "Yep."  "Okay," he said, and that was that.

I never worried about shunning from my friends or family.  I think that I thought it wasn't important until if or when I found myself in a relationship with a girl.  And since I pretty much figured I wouldn't have a relationship of any sort at all, it wasn't something I need to share. 

But it's a part of me.  Not the whole of me, for sure.  But a part.  And I was hiding it, erasing it from the outside world.  And I'm done with that.

I am a bisexual, fiber addicted, sci fi loving, obsessive reading, introverted, m/m romance writing, too many things to list...person.

Needy, But Not Needed

I first thought of the title of this post in relation to myself.  

I accept that I'm needy.  I am.  I need validation, and I need recognition.  Not in the grand scheme of things--I'd much rather go unnoticed there--but from the people who mean a great deal to me.  From those people, I need to know I matter, that I'm cared for, that they think of me. And I can get clingy, and sometimes paranoid, if I don't feel it from them often enough.  This is on me.  I know they have their own lives and worries and things that are going on and they can't be constantly reassuring me that we're solid, that I'm cared for, and that I'm worthy.  Logically, I know this.  I even accept it to some degree.  But when I get that indication, no matter how small, there's a huge sense of relief for me.  At least, until the cycle starts up all over again.

Needy.

It's also in my nature, and I think it's the other side of the same coin, to want to feed needed.  I need to know that those people that I care about the most need me back.  I want to help, to soothe, to laugh and cry along with them, be their support and offer them hugs and love and just be there for them.  I want them to turn to me when they are hurt, or upset, or so joyful they can't contain it.  

Needy about being needed.

It is something I'm working on.  At least, to the extent of not showing it so much.  What I don't want is to be a burden, or to drive people away with my cling, and it has happened in the past.  So I'm trying to rein it in.  And learn to be content in my own skin, take people at face value, and not jump to conclusions if I don't hear from someone for a few days.  Because their silence probably has nothing to do with me at all.  And if it does, well, I have to trust that they'll tell me that.

Right now, I feel very needy but not very needed.  And since I'd very much rather feel needed than needy, I'm working on it within myself.  

Incoming...Yet Again

When I first got the news, I'll admit I was kind of pissed.  I didn't want them here, interrupting my weekend with their noise and their chaos.

Then, I got sort of excited.  Because it'll be nice to see them again.  And my aunt is coming this time as well, and she's my godmother and we have a special bond even if she makes me angry sometimes with her small minded views.

Now, I'm sort ambivalent to the whole thing.  They're coming, there's nothing I can do about it, and I'll just roll with it.  Hide away, write, read, yarn, not deal with anything I don't have to deal with.  It'll be all good.  

Fortunately, this time, it's only for two days and one night.  The chaos will reign supreme and then it will be over.  I can handle that.  I swear.

Maybe if I keep repeating it, it will become true.

At any rate, family is coming for a visit.  Wish me luck!

Whole Lotta Hurt

I've got a lot of hurt and anger swirling around inside.  And every time I think I'm over it, something happens to bring it up again.  Every time I think I've got a handle on it, I find out that I really, really don't.

You see, we're a really close knit family.  (no pun on the knit thing intended)  We always have been.  And I know that I've very lucky.  I know that not everyone has the unconditional support that I do.  So the blow of this is even more hurtful.

I'm not going to go into detail.  There's really no point in that.  But I will say that one of my family members is acting in an oblivious and hurtful way.  That person can't see that it's hurtful.  And that person can't hear us when we try to talk about it.

Right now, I'm at a loss as how to resolve it.  I don't know how to make myself feel better and I don't know how to get over it.  

Right now, I'm hurt.  And I'm angry.  Nothing I seem to do, say, or think is helping.  Not for me.  Not for other members of my family.  I don't know what to do. But I do know that something needs to give or the hurt and anger are just going to keep on festering.  

Relaxing

Sometimes there's nothing better than lying on the couch and watching TV.  And doing nothing else but actually watching.

I don't do enough of it.  I actually don't watch that much TV at all.  And when I do turn it on, I usually put in a movie or a show that I've seen dozens of times, because I want something to engage only part of my brain while I yarn.  But on Sunday, and again last night, I just put on one of those shows I've seen a lot--but haven't watched in a good long while--and actually just watched.  Vegged out, laid back, and just watched.

It was really kind of awesome.  And I've been enjoying the crap out of it.  In fact, I think I might do it again tonight.  No words, no yarn, just relaxing.  I think I deserve it a little bit.  

Yep, I Did It

I bought a new laptop.

It needed to be done, really.  Mine was getting a bit scary.  Near the end of it's life.  There were programs on there that I don't even know how they got there, and I'm not computer savvy enough to know if uninstalling it will create a critical break down.

Now, I knew I needed to get a new one and I was saving towards it.  And when I went out Saturday night, it was not with the intent to get a new one.  Actually, it was with the intent to help Sis pick out one for her.  I was going to be good, save some more, and do more research.

But the fact was, I knew what I wanted.  I really did.  So when we were at the store and there was a sale for a particular bundle of the exactly what I wanted and needed, well...yep, I did it.  I bought a new laptop.

Sis, incidentally, got the same one.  

The fun part?  It's touch screen.  Which I didn't think was necessary, really, but it was the one on sale.  So it's all exciting and shiny and new, and even though it's taking a bit of getting used to, I'll get there before long.  Hardest part is learning the quirks of the new OS.  Ah well, that's why God made the internet.  When I don't know how to do something, I'll just look it up and someone somewhere will tell me how.

Getting used to the new keyboard is also a bit of a challenge.  But it's not so different.  Just the spacing is slightly off.  And there isn't any clicking as I hit the keys.  Very quiet.  

But I'm very pleased with my purchase and I'm certain I'll be downright in love with it before too long!