The Me You Know

I sometimes think that I am two different people living in the same body.  I'm sure a lot of people feel this way.  There is the me you know...and the me I keep to myself.  Fortunately, the BFF knows both of those people, she likes them both, and that helps me to accept them both as well.

I get into these funks of apathy where I just don't wanna.  I don't want to do anything or be anywhere or say anything.  I hole up and read and not interact with the world at all.  I've been in one of those funks for the last week.  I haven't felt like posting or yarning or writing.  I've done nothing but read and sleep, escaping reality.  I don't usually know what triggers those moods and I don't know what brings me out of them.  But my apathetic mood finally broke on Saturday.  I had a plan and a list (you know I love lists) and I got down to business and planted a garden.


I love to garden.  I'm not one of those people that has a spectacular plots of land that they keep well manicured and maintained.  I don't know a lot about plants; I am not a veritable font of knowledge.  I just know what I like and what grows well in my little 5' X 3' plot next to the front steps.  I planted snapdragons, pansies, petunias, marigolds, and dianthus'.  It's very pretty and I am well pleased.  My OCD came into play a bit, because I had to have a sort of order to the placement but my creativity was able to roam free as I plotted out which flowers would go where.  And whatever stresses where weighing me down were gone when I was finished.  I worked it all out by toiling in the soil.  I don't even care that my muscles are protesting the overuse and I'm walking like an old lady today.  It felt good and I felt accomplished and I think that I really needed that.

Another problem that I have is that I don't let people see me as anything more as a yarn loving, fun loving, sci fi loving girl.  I keep secrets of other things that I like because I'm afraid of the reaction that I will get when they are revealed.  People know that I like science fiction and fantasy but they have no clue that I am a hardcore fan, a complete dork.  People know that I love to read and often stay up late reading but they don't know that one of my favorite things to read is M/M romance because when that tidbit of information comes out I get the shocked "But you're a girl!  And straight!" So I keep it all to myself because it's safer that way.  Because then I don't have to explain or defend.  But I'm putting out there today, even if it's in the relative anonymity of cyberspace, because I'm tired of only showing half of who I am.  


I believe that people should be accepted for who they are.  Even if you don't agree with their views or their beliefs or their morals.  As long as they aren't hurting anyone, what does it matter who they love or what they read or what they like to do in their spare time.  


I am a hardcore sci fi fan who likes to read M/M romance and has an obsession with the fiber arts.  It's not all of who I am but it's a big part of it.  This is the me you know.

Car Whisperer

I'm a car chick.  I like cars.  I have my favorite (1967 Corvette) and I'm particular to a certain brand (Chevy).  If you need you're car jumped, I'm your girl.  I like to play in them with my uncle, changing fuses and replacing broken parts.  I know enough about the sounds and feels of cars to tell you what's most likely wrong with it, even if I can't fix it.  

We have this Sebring that sort of gets forgotten because we don't always need to drive it.  It's just easier to take one of the cars at the back of the line instead of moving them all to get the Sebring out.  So, it's sort of sat for a while (a looooong while) and wouldn't start.  Batteries drain if they are left too long.  So, with some creative finagling, I got it started this morning.  Finally.  And right now that alternator is doing it's job while the car runs and charging the battery.  I found out that forty minutes was not enough when I turned it off and it wouldn't start again.  Another jump and let it sit longer.  My fault for letting the battery get so very dead.  Hopefully, the battery will retain it's charge and we won't have to replace it.  It's a 50/50 toss up there.

So, now that I have that going, I can devote myself to the yarn.  And a nap later.  

I Show My Love With Yarn

Lyse's afghan, which is an amalgam of granny squares, is nearly complete.  I will be happy to check that one off my list.  It's looking pretty good, if I do say so myself.

Bunny's lapghan is next in the pipeline.  Still haven't figured out the zebra stripes in...cream and dark tan.  That's what she wants, that's what she gets.  More playing is required before I settle on something in particular.

Toby has told me to surprise him with my yarn gift.  That is going to take some serious thought.  I have considered and discarded at least a dozen choices thus far.  I will be sure to update that as soon as I actually make a decision.

Sis's afghan is coming along nicely, but I'm on my last ball of that particular yarn.  So either I have to get her to agree to a lapghan or I have to go shopping.  *dramatic sigh*  Such a hardship, that.

I know what the BFF is getting for her birthday, but thankfully that's not until November.  I can't talk about it here as she does occasionally check in.  

My afghan is on a semi-permanent hiatus.     As is the sweater I long ago started for myself.  

It's simple.  I show my love with yarn but I already know I love myself :)

Squeeeeee!

I am so in a good place right now and after the morning I had, I'm happy to be here!

I made a boo boo at work.  Something that I have never done in more than five years working in this field.  I nearly had heart failure.  Fortunately, what could have been much badness turned out to be a not so big deal in the end and it all comes down to timing.  So thank the gods and godesses that fate was with me today!

And Toby?  Well, Toby gave me awesome feedback and wonderful insight.  I'm totally riding high on that.  I have decided that he shall be rewarded with yarn.  I don't care what he wants or whose project (probably mine) I have to bump to get it done, he shall have his hearts desire.  I am so very thankful for his insight!  So, hey, stayed tuned for a new project in the works!

And the Fates Smiled

I have procured myself a beta reader.  Someone who is not Sis and not the BFF, who love me and know the way I think and therefore aren't always able to give me the constructive criticism I need to make my writing better.  A friend of Sis's and an acquaintance of mine, he should be able to give me mean ass criticism that I hope won't make me cry.  Toby likes the genre, which is good, and I'm hoping that because we're friendly, but not close, he'll be able to be honest but critical.  It's nerve wracking but also gives me hope.  

But today is not devoted to the words.  Today, I'm working on Lyse's afghan and watching recorded episodes of Dateline: Real Life Mysteries.  Love that show.  The yarn I'm working with, Red Heart Classic, is a little rougher on my fingers than I'm used to lately but the colors are vibrant and wonderful and, once I wash it, will feel heavenly.  Pretty sure that's the sole reason fabric softener was invented.

I love it when a plan comes together!

You're My Inspiration

Warning: The following is a diatribe as to why being a creative and imaginative person sucks.


I have been cursed with gift of imagination.  Yes, I said cursed.  Because, while it often a blessing, it is also the bane of my existence.  I can spend copious amount of time lost in a world where yarn or the voices transport me off this plane and into another.  I can get incredibly focused and determined to see something that was born in my gray matter come to fruition.  Where's the curse come in, you may ask?  It is the simple fact that being imaginative and creative means you get inspired all the time.  And you think, how can this be a bad thing?  Here's the answer: it sucks donkey balls when you are focused and doing something, or you have much on your plate already and then suddenly, bam! from out of nowhere new inspiration strikes.  And then you are left with a quandary.  Do you keep doing what your doing or do you temporarily abandon the project and work on the new inspiration?

I've said that I have to go where the muse takes me and sometimes that's true.  Sometimes you absolutely do not have a choice.  But, see, that often comes with a boat load of guilty.  At least for me.   Because there are so many things that I should be working on I feel all sorts of bad for working on what I want to work on.

Needless to say, as I was perusing the internet today, I discovered a new pattern that I think I want to make for me.  And there is so much that I need to be doing; Lyse's afghan (still not done), Bunny's afghan (haven't even figured out the pattern let alone bought the yarn), my afghan (which is over a yearn in the making) or either one of my current writing projects.  And yet, here my brain goes planning something new and other.  It's frustrating and guilt inducing and I'm going to have to start making an actual physical list of all the things I want to make or I'm going to go stark raving mad.  And also, I need to be independently wealthy so that I can just spend all my day with the words and the yarn and not have to waste my time with silly things like work.


And yes, before you ask, I do realize it's ridiculous to complain about being creative.  And I do know that I would be super pissed off if I lost that.  So, I think I better just go with the list thing and stop complaining. 


<end rant>

Sometimes You Don't Have a Choice

I've been writing a supernatural series for a couple of years now.  The BFF has read it and loves it.  Sis has read it and loves it.  Me?  Well, I love it too, these are my babies, but the editing process is slow because I'm too close to it.  I'm too close to it and can't edit it properly but there is no way it's ready to be submitted, maybe accepted, and have a professional editor do his or her job.  Slowly and surely, I am getting it to that place.

But sometimes, the voices talking in my head are different.  They don't belong in the world that I've already created.  So I let them talk and I listened, but I didn't put the words on the page.  Until yesterday.  Yesterday, finally, I was able to have a jumping off point and the voices are so damn relieved they've been talking incessantly ever since.  I love these new guys and I'm happy that they are getting their story told.  Again, it may not go anywhere.  It may not get to the point where it sees the light of day.  But I have some beta readers lined up and we shall see.

Of course, I feel guilty.  I feel like I'm abandoning the world I so lovingly crafted for a new and shiny toy.  And then a strange and wonderful thought occurred to me.  When I'm making a craft project, when I choose to knit, that does not mean I am abandoning my first love which is crocheting.  When I put down a project to work on something else (because it has a deadline or it's interesting or whatever) that does not mean I'm abandoning it forever.  Just that that project and I need a little break so that I can go back to it later with a fresh eye and a happy heart.  So that there can be the joyous reunion of "dear god, I have missed you!" and "I'm so glad you're back!"  I live for those moments.  

Of course, sometimes I don't have a choice.  With yarn or with writing, I have to go where my muse takes me.  Because the fact of the matter is, it will always take me back again.