Ear Candy

                                       

                                               I love this version!

Big Sigh...

OF RELIEF!

It turns out, as per usual, all my worrying was for naught.  The hinky happenings were...not hinky at all.  They were completely normal, everyday work stuff.  And I got work sponsored lunch thrown in.

Toby, my fabulous beta reader, has requested fingerless mitts for his prezzie.  I will have to find my man pattern as he has surprisingly large hands for a little dude.  Okay, he's not that little.  He's actually very normal sized.  But still, big hands!  In the past, I've always made them to fit my hands because everyone I've made them for has had similarly sized paws.  His?  Bigger by a lot.  I worry about the dreaded SSS cropping up, though.  Fortunately, it's not a hard pattern and I have many months before the snow flies again.  I endeavor to get them to him before that happens.  

Which brings up the point of my lack of working on projects.  Seriously.  Big slacker here.  There is so very much to get done and yet, I haven't felt that passion, that ambition, that's needed to do it.  I'm not sure what's wrong with me.  But I need to get over it.  Send some good thoughts my way, okay?  Because I sure need them.

Lyse's afghan is so very close to getting done.  And if I could just tear myself away from the computer for an hour or two, it would be done.  But somehow there is always a book to read or a blog to read or an email to answer and before I know it, it's bedtime.  And Bunny's lapghan, the one she specifically asked for and she's never asked for anything ever?  Still not even started.  I feel horrible guilt over this.  And yet I can't seem to make myself change it.  

Dear yarn gods, please grant me a divine intervention!

I'm making myself work on Lyse's 'ghan right now.  I'm going to do it.  Ready...set...

Squidgies

There's something hinky going on.

I'm not sure yet what's up but it's left me with the psychosomatic stomach pains.  I get those when I get nervous.  I think that they should disappear as soon as I realize that the yuck comes from my head and not an actual physical ailment.  But they don't.  Instead I just to keep feeling yucky until whatever is making me nervous happens or I go home.  Whichever comes first.  Home is safe, there's not stomach pain inducing things here.  I'll find out tomorrow what exactly is going on.  At lunch time.  Until then, I'll be all sorts of nervous.

In the meantime, I will be hiding behind the words.  I've made some excellent progress in my works in progress in the last couple of days.  This has given me a profound sense of accomplishment.  So, I'm working on that.  

And the baby blanket is a third done.  The rest of my projects?  They are glaring at me from various bags and boxes, demanding to be worked on.  I'm ignoring them.  

I blame it on the squidgies.

Escape Artist

I've become very adept at escaping from the real world.  I used to think I used my powers only for good; I would only "escape" to a happy place when I was bored out of my skull.  I have come to realize, however, that i escape reality on a constant basis.  And not at good times.  And not even when it's necessary.  It's a complete and total defense mechanism.

Things I use to escape?

Yarn: When I'm creating something, I'm lost in a world of stitches.  All that matters is what's in my hands.

TV: I have my favorite shows and I got to a place where I am completely invested in the characters and their lives.  They become part way real to me.  And I get obsessed.

Books: Much like TV, I let the real world fall away and the only thing that exists are the boys and watching them fall in love.  Or the fantastical, mythical worlds where magic and vampires and werewolves are real.  I, again, have favorites that I read over and over and over, letting the tale sweep me away again and again.

Words: What I write is the ultimate escape.  These characters are born from my imagination and they live in my head.  The world they live in, though similar to ours, is one of my making.  If that's not escapism, I don't know what is.

It's not bad that I escape.  Being creative or having time to yourself is never bad.  However I have recently become fully aware that I do this way too often.  That I disengage from the real world on a much too regular basis.  I can own that now.

And I'm working on gathering the courage to change that.

Once Upon a Time..

...when I was a little girl, I was an extroverted little thing.  I had to be the center of attention.  I had to be up in everyone's business and I absolutely had to be around people.

I don't know what happened to change all that.

Mom says I went away to college and came home an introvert.  I say that I am actually a misanthrope.  No one seems to agree with me on that which I guess is a good thing.  And, if truth be told, I don't actually hate people.  They just drive me crazy sometimes and I'd rather be holed up so I don't have to deal with them.  

The point of this diatribe?  I've done nothing for more than a week except go to work (which is necessary) and watch a marathon of all five seasons of Queer as Folk (because once I started, I couldn't stop until they were done).  I have not yarned in any capacity.  I have not written a word in ten days.  And I'm perfectly happy with that life.  Who needs to be out in the real world when the drama of made up television (or books) is so much better?!

But a funny thing happened today while I was at work.  My brain was mostly engaged with the job at hand, which it should be, except for the small part of if that never ever shuts off the creativity. The part that is always working on stories or projects and never lets me have a minutes rest.  That part of my brain decided to create a brand new character and shove him into the new world I am creating.  And suddenly I wasn't desperate to get home to watch the next episode of QaF, I was off in my created world and seeing scenes in my head of this dude's story.  And so now I have a whole new story to tell.  


Of course, that still means I'm living in the fictional world instead of the real one.  I'm still okay with that.  Because, my boys?  They are finding their true loves.  And I have to help them.

Call me Pavlov's Dog

Conditioning is a funny thing.  Sometimes, we don't even realize that we've been conditioned until long after the fact.  At my previous place of employment, I worked hard and did the job as well as I was able.  I was good.  But sometimes, the management...well, lets just say that something that is a small mistake and entirely due to the fact that I am human and humans make errors, would get blown out of proportion and it was like I killed a puppy and bathed in it's blood.  So after a while, if I found a mistake that I had done, even if I fixed it, I would get all sorts of worked up and queasy, dreading the moment that the boss found out about it.

I've been at the new job for two months now.  Everyone is great.  But when I make a mistake (because, once again, I'm HUMAN) I get the same sort of dread and queasy feeling.  They don't treat me like a puppy killer...sometimes, I get a frown or perhaps a stern word.  But nothing demeaning.  But I still react internally as if I'm going to be treated that way.

Just call me Pavlov's dog.  Except instead of salivating when I hear a bell ring, I get nauseous when I've made an error.

I'm working on it.

June is bustin' out all over!

When in the fuck did June happen?  I don't know where the hell I've been but seriously?  How is it June already?!

I have stuff to finish!  But am I working on it?  Oh no.  That would make sense and be logical.  Instead, I'm reading and watching TV and generally enjoying the hell out of my downtime without doing anything constructive.  The Wise One would tell me that its OK because everyone needs downtime.  She's right.  But the truth is...

The truth is, I'm a little burnt out.  I get this way every once in a while with the yarn.  Me and the yarn, we have to take a break.  Because otherwise we get terribly sick of each other and we wonder how we'll ever get back to common ground of a healthy relationship.  So, yeah.  I'm taking a break.  Except for the baby blanket that I'm working on during lunch, because I only get a half an hour which means I can do about two rows and put it away for 24 hours.  And it's just so sweet I can't help but love it!

I did manage to write another chapter in one book and a half a chapter in the other.  That happened Friday.  And afterwards I was plumb tuckered out.  So, I'm taking a break from that too.  

And because it's June and it's a little bit rainy and mostly warm, my garden is absolutely flourishing!  Last year's rose bush has started blooming with a vengeance.  It has no idea it's going to get hacked to shit when it's done growing for the season, just to keep it from getting completely out of control.  But the garden looks absolutely stunning and even though I need to weed, the petunia's and pansies are absolutely loving this weather and getting plumper and more beautiful by the day.  Sometimes, when I get home from work, I have to just stand and stare at it for a few minutes, marveling.  I think the beauty of flowers is why God created them in the first place!