Surviving and The Wait

You'll all be happy to know that I survived the weekend.  Mostly, the girls were all over Sis and that gave me ample opportunity to hide.  Not that I was invited along anyway, and mostly I didn't want to be, so it was okay.  I would have liked to be invited to the book store, but since I don't have any extra money to spend right this moment anyway, I let the hurt go on that pretty quickly.  It was good to see them, and the little one (she's ten) told me I should write about finding a young man finding a skeleton in the woods.  When he doesn't know what to do, he buries it, only for it to come to life and come after him.  She's got quite and imagination...I think she could be an author herself someday.

I have today off of work as well.  Yesterday was glorious, and I was so very lazy, so that was good.  Today, I'm drinking my coffee of deliciousness, and waiting for the next disappointing clue for the CAL to go live.  Then I'll work that up quickly and add it to my scarf.  After that, I intend to write.  I think I've got a bit of mojo back, and the beginnings of a long novella in my brain.  I'm not quite sure where it's going to go yet, there's still some plot points I need to work out, but I feel good about it.  We shall see, hm?

I am already dreading going back to work tomorrow, but I'm trying very hard not to let it spoil my day. I'm going to do good and enjoyable things instead, and make the day last as long as I possibly can.  In a couple of weeks, I have another two days off, and that is something to look forward to as well.

But in the meantime, I'm waiting for that next clue (which is frustrating) and then I'll get on with other things.  I have a couple episodes of Treehouse Masters to watch as well.  I'll do that with the yarning.  I really do love that show.  :)

Hope everyone is having an enjoyable week thus far!

Bad News, Good News

So Sis and I have had sister time a lot lately.   Usually that involves a meal out and then hanging out together, yarning and watching TV, or maybe a little shopping.  We've only been doing it for a few months, since early summer, with any sort of regularity, but I've really come to rely on it.  

My sister time is getting usurped this weekend.  And though there's a very good reason, I find myself resentful.  I'm trying not to be, I really am, but I sort of can't help it.

The cousin and her girls are coming in, and the cousin is heading off to visiting with the ailing father of a friend, and leaving the girls with us.  Taking over my house, demanding attention, being...ridiculous.  And they'll be attached to Sis like barnacles.  

Now this last bit is good, because that means I can leave them to their own devices and just do my own thing.  This always makes me happy.  You know I like to be left alone.  But it's bad because I don't get my grounding sister time.  Or if we attempt sister time, then it's two sets of sisters, one of whom is 10 and well...she lives in her own world and while she's adorable, she's also irritating.  Mostly because she demands attention in a way that is more befitting a four year old.  

*heavy sigh*

Okay, I'm aware I'm totally being petulant and not at all acting my age myself.  I'm just disappointed and that makes me revert.  I just need to build a bridge and get over it.

But here's the good news!  I have a couple of days off from work, Monday and Tuesday, which means I have a long weekend and I'm looking forward to that immensely.  Now I'm leery of making any sort of plans.  But there's a couple of things I want to do: treat myself to breakfast from McDonald's.  Read a couple of books I haven't gotten to yet.  Write and yarn.  Drink coffee in my pajamas.  You know, the usual lazing around stuff.  

Everyone have a lovely weekend!

Update from the Attic

--My shoulder hurts.  Because I'm right handed, of course it's my right shoulder.  The funny thing is, I didn't do anything to it.  I really didn't.  Maybe I slept on it weird, but that's the only thing.  I'm stretching it, and sometimes it feels better than others, but I don't think I did any real damage to it or anything.  I'm hoping it heals up and is pain free soon.

--Disappointed in the CAL.  Disappointed in the choices for stitches, and in the forum.  Disappointed I'm still not getting the weekly emails I'm supposed to and I have to go looking for the clues each week.  It's not the experience I wanted it to be.  I'm finishing it, sort of out of spite now, but I can tell you that if this particular group does another CAL/KAL, i am not joining.

--I feel freer and lighter than I have in a while...and even though I got some bad news yesterday, it didn't get me too far down.  For a couple of minutes there, I needed some reassurance.  But a friend lifted me up, gave me the reassurance I needed, and I moved on.  No dizzying black spiral for me!

--My brain is in love with someone, which is why it thought of a rock awesome project for them.  So yes, that's added to the list.  I'm aiming for birthday as that gives me quite a few months.  It's sort of involved.  But yes, new project added to the pile.

--I've recently learned that collaborating with like-minded people is a fun and awesome experience.  It makes me grin and brings me joy.  Of course, with three minds, even though they are similar, there's a bit of confusion.  But half the fun is sorting out what people mean.  

--The bobs are still doing fantastically.  The Mase Cane has put out a new shoot, and I swear everyday it grows a little more.  This makes me so happy, and I love checking on it and all the other bobs, seeing them grow.  I also picked up an orchid this past weekend to add to the bob collection.  And a friend gave me a wee tiny bob (a plant of the African violet family).  Pretty soon, my space will be overrun with bobs.  I'm very much looking forward to it.

--You know that fall is my favorite season, and it's been wonderful weather the last couple of weeks.  Chilly at night and in the morning, warming up to almost 70 during the day.  I could do with a little cooler than 70, though, if I'm honest.  I love sweaters and hoodies.  And though they are predicting more of the same over about the next week, i know that before too long, it'll be cool all the time and I am really very much looking forward to that.

--Work is still stressful, but I'm doing better in the overall, and so that's helping me to deal with that.

Coming Out

I wasn't going to do this.  I didn't think it was important, I didn't think it mattered.  But now I feel it does, and I'm ready to say it out loud.

I am bisexual.

I've known it about myself, and have accepted it within me, for a long time.  Years.  About 14 of them, actually.  But I didn't admit it out loud.  I didn't see the point.  I wasn't dating anyone at all, I tend towards men, so it wasn't something I needed to put out there.  But ever since that first time I admitted it out loud to someone else a few months ago, there's been something lighter inside me.  I never struggled with it for myself, but I didn't acknowledge it much either, and I didn't realize that it was a quiet, unobtrusive weight until I said it out loud and felt that lift.

The first person I told was a dear, wonderful friend who has my back always, and kicks my ass when I need it.  I knew I was safe telling him, and he barely blinked, which was what I needed.

I told Sis.  Her reaction? "I know."  I asked her how she knew and she said that girl parts didn't gross me out.  That made me smile, and we talked about it a little, but it's just a part of me for her.

I told Brub, Tato, and the BFF when we were talking about someone else and it just burst out of my mouth, "I'm bi."  There was a beat of silence.  Tato asked,"Really?"  I said, "Yep."  "Okay," he said, and that was that.

I never worried about shunning from my friends or family.  I think that I thought it wasn't important until if or when I found myself in a relationship with a girl.  And since I pretty much figured I wouldn't have a relationship of any sort at all, it wasn't something I need to share. 

But it's a part of me.  Not the whole of me, for sure.  But a part.  And I was hiding it, erasing it from the outside world.  And I'm done with that.

I am a bisexual, fiber addicted, sci fi loving, obsessive reading, introverted, m/m romance writing, too many things to list...person.

The Hole

So, fall is here.  Which is awesome.  I love this weather, I love this time of year.  It's just the perfect season.  I love the reprieve from the heat and humidity of the summer.  (Spring arriving after the cold of winter is a close second)  And as the days, and especially the nights, get chillier, it's time to break out the warmer wear.  That I especially love.

Last night, it was pretty dang chilly.  I had my fingerless mitts on.  I wore them when I ate dinner because it's too early to turn the heat on, even though it was about 40 degrees.  And then I noticed it.  A hole.  Near the edge of my right mitt.  

Oh No!!

At first, I thought the seam had come apart, which would have been good because I could have fixed that.  But nooooo.  Of course not.  It must have gotten caught on something, because one of the stitches broke.  And knitting, well, it unravels from top to bottom.  So the stitch above it was coming loose as well.  Dammit all to hell!  I wracked my brain, trying to remember if I had any of the yarn left in order to darn the hole closed.  But I couldn't remember, and I wanted it fixed quickly so that it didn't unravel anymore.

Enter Sis to save the day!

I don't sew.  I especially don't sew with a sewing machine.  But Sis?  Sis is a master at the sewing machine.  She took my mitt, and she stitched underneath and above the hole so that even though it's still there, a wee bit, it will not unravel.  It is secure.  And my mitts live longer.  And that makes me happy.  

Randoms

--Have you heard about the latest Facebook idiocy?  I used to have a FB account.  I used it a lot.  And then I didn't.  In fact, I haven't been there for more than browsing for probably about two years.  I was finding it kind of intrusive anyway.  But in light of the recent developments, I have disabled my FB account.  Authors, performers, and others (LGBT people in particular) using variations on their names, or fake names, to keep themselves safe are being suspended from using the site.  It's ludicrous to me.  And it seems they are doing it because they want to make money, because they want to sell things, and that is just beyond insane to me.  It's supposed to be a place to connect with friends and family.  I've long been over it, though I've considered going back.  Not going to happen now.  I won't be a party to that, or condone their behavior.  I'm done.

--I'm disappointed in the CAL.  After the mess up last week, it was supposed to be corrected and all is well.  Except I didn't get the email again this week, though I was able to get the next clue online.  I was disappointed in the choices for the next pattern, and I was disappointed in the way that the sections are connected.  If it's going to be like that the whole way, then I'm really going to be cranky.  For a few minutes there, I even considered abandoning the whole thing.  But now I'm kind of perversely determined to see it through.  I've emailed the company about the screw up with the emails again, but I hold no hope of it being resolved.  I'll put the pieces together each week, but I have a feeling it'll end up hanging on the wall instead of around my neck.

--The bobs are still doing wonderfully, and they still bring me a great big smile when I see them.  I think I might need some more.

--Works is...the hardest part of my day.  But I am persevering.

--My family is providing me with a great deal of joy lately.  In particular Sis.  We've been having a lot of sister time lately.  And it's been really, really nice.

--Hope everyone is having a good week and that all is well in your world!

Nice and Clean

I'm not a fan of cleaning.  I know that comes as a big surprise.  The people who actually like to clean are rare indeed.  I wonder if there's some sort of genetic marker for that?  Anyway, so no, cleaning is not fun.

But what I do like, no love, is the end result.  

I'm a bit of a pack rat.  It's probably why I have such a huge stash of yarn.  I make piles of stuff.  And it's only when I can get up the ambition that I go through the piles, sort out what I don't need and get rid of it, and put the other stuff away.  Sometimes, the piles get a bit unmanageable.  And then I get all cranky, and it takes me a long time to get through stuff and every time I swear I'm not going to let it get to that point again.  Which never works.

Admittedly, I've been better for the last year or so.  My stuff accumulates, sure.  But It hasn't got quite to the crazy hoarder stage in a long time.  (For the record, I'm not a hoarder.  I have no problem chucking stuff out.  I have no problem getting rid of stuff.  I'm just lazy.  I'll get to it later.)  So my space has been cluttered, but it's never really, truly messy.  And now, the bad times only require an hour or so to pick up, put away, dust, vacuum, mop the floor, and then I'm done.  

With fall descending quickly, I decided to take some time this morning and get uncluttered and clean.  It's nice now and that makes me happy.  And the stuff I use on the floor makes it smell all fresh and clean.  So now I can sit back and enjoy the clean.  And vow to myself I'll actually start putting stuff away, even though I won't.  

But it's really nice right now.    

CAL Update

Okay, yeah, more CAL stuff.  This is what has been going on so far:

--I had to make some decisions right off that bat.  And decisions are sometimes tricky for me, because I end up second guessing.  I'm always wondering if I should choose a different path, if another choice would have been better.  Especially when it's something I have to commit to and shouldn't change later.  So!  The first thing I had to do was choose which color was A, B, and C.  This is a very individualized sort of thing, and the choice is left up to the yarner as to which color gets assigned to which letter.  I hemmed and hawed for a while, rearranging and second guessing.  But in the end, I decided the lightest color would be A, the medium color B, and the darkest color C.  .

--Since this is a mystery scarf, there are three options to choose from in each stage for the pattern.  I know I wasn't going to choose option A--it was just singles and doubles, nothing exciting.  So I skipped right over that.  Option B was interesting, with a combination of colors, but I sort of didn't like the way it looked.  So then it was obvious I would be doing option C (which, incidentally, was labeled intermediate skill, but I don't know why as it was super easy).  

Thus decided, color and pattern, I commenced yarning.

--When I was studying the options, I realized that the "blocks" of pattern would all end up measuring the same.  Pretty ingenious way of getting all the different pattern stitches to fit together.  So, having decided on option C, I picked up color A and started going to town.  Roughly an hour later, my first block was complete.  I'm not sure if all the blocks will go as quickly, it all depends on the pattern of course, but it would be nice if the only took an hour or two each.

--Since it's six weeks long, there are six blocks.  Again, I'm not sure if they'll all be the same length (I do know they'll be the same width) but if they are, then the scarf will be about seven and a half feet long.  In my opinion, that's a wonderful thing.  I personally like them long.  

--I'm very anxious and excited to see what's next up in the mystery scarf CAL!  I'm sort of peeved I must wait.  But it's something to look forward to.  

Remember

CAL

So I signed up to do a online Crochet-a-long.

What happened was this:

I'm not sure how I got on the mailing list, but it was yarn stuff so even though I didn't care too much about the emails, and I just looked at them and deleted them, I didn't unsubcribe.  And I got one for the CAL/KAL a couple of times and ignored it.  But a couple of weeks ago, I actually clicked, just to see and well, it snagged my attention.  Because, you see, Caron is doing something very special with it's United line of yarns.  A part of the price of every skein goes to Children of Fallen Patriots Foundation and that right there tugged on my heartstrings.  How can that not be a worthy cause, right?  So I looked some more and I realized, it's a mystery CAL.  As in, I know it's a scarf, but I don't have the pattern.  In fact, the pattern comes piecemeal, with choices, every week, so the scarf will be truly unique.

Except...

Today was the first day of the CAL, and as I'm sitting here late Tuesday night writing this to go up Wednesday, I did not receive my first email with the first clue and the first piece of the pattern.  I checked out the forum, and a few other people seemed to have had the same problem.  I emailed the people to see what the problem was, but I haven't heard back yet.  So I'm a little upset, because I wanted to get started, and kind of aggravated as well.  

And speaking of the forum, that's the other thing.  I lurk, I'm a lurker, and I don't often get involved with things.  But it's part of my goal to actually engage in the forum in regards to this.  To ignore the shy, and to actually comment and be involved.  I even made a single post already there!  Go Me!  

I'm excited about this.  I'm excited about watching it take shape as I work on it in pieces, each choice each week, shaping the final product.  I'm even excited (and also nervous) about being involved online.  So I'm on the edge of my seat, waiting for that first email, so I can get started.  Hopefully, it'll get sorted out tomorrow (today) and I'll be able to work on it after dinner out with a friend.  

Yay!

**update 1000 hours--the issue has been sorted out and I have now received the first clue.  Next week there should be no issues.  After dinner out, I will be starting on the first part of the pattern.  Woo!**

Needy, But Not Needed

I first thought of the title of this post in relation to myself.  

I accept that I'm needy.  I am.  I need validation, and I need recognition.  Not in the grand scheme of things--I'd much rather go unnoticed there--but from the people who mean a great deal to me.  From those people, I need to know I matter, that I'm cared for, that they think of me. And I can get clingy, and sometimes paranoid, if I don't feel it from them often enough.  This is on me.  I know they have their own lives and worries and things that are going on and they can't be constantly reassuring me that we're solid, that I'm cared for, and that I'm worthy.  Logically, I know this.  I even accept it to some degree.  But when I get that indication, no matter how small, there's a huge sense of relief for me.  At least, until the cycle starts up all over again.

Needy.

It's also in my nature, and I think it's the other side of the same coin, to want to feed needed.  I need to know that those people that I care about the most need me back.  I want to help, to soothe, to laugh and cry along with them, be their support and offer them hugs and love and just be there for them.  I want them to turn to me when they are hurt, or upset, or so joyful they can't contain it.  

Needy about being needed.

It is something I'm working on.  At least, to the extent of not showing it so much.  What I don't want is to be a burden, or to drive people away with my cling, and it has happened in the past.  So I'm trying to rein it in.  And learn to be content in my own skin, take people at face value, and not jump to conclusions if I don't hear from someone for a few days.  Because their silence probably has nothing to do with me at all.  And if it does, well, I have to trust that they'll tell me that.

Right now, I feel very needy but not very needed.  And since I'd very much rather feel needed than needy, I'm working on it within myself.  

Update on the Bobs

They still make me ridiculously happy.

Thank you, that is all.

Hope everyone has a glorious weekend!!

The Fickle Yarner

So yeah.  The fickle yarner is back.  I was working on that lovely blanket this past weekend and then...well, this yarn popped into my head and the shawl I was going to make myself, and as I was working along on the row, my brain was trying to figure out what I could do with that yarn for a shawl.  Well I did a little internet search and found a pattern I liked, and decided to go for it.  I made it in about three hours total, though it was spread over two days.

What I love about this yarn (so very much) is that it's really warm but really light.  I don't know quite how it manages it, but it does.  I was working on it, and it got big enough to spread on my lap and then...I was sort of amazing how I couldn't even really feel the weight of it, but I could feel it's immense warmth.  Now, I've made a different shawl from the same kind of yarn before, and I felt it then too, but I'd forgotten.  And it was really fabulous to be reminded.  

So yeah, guys, this is for me and just in time too...because summer is technically over, at least the season, and it's September, and pretty soon, it'll be a bit chilly, and I'll be happy to have it.