Dream A Little Dream

You know when you're really tired and you can barely keep your eyes open and you get into bed and the sheets feel perfect and you settle down in exactly the right spot and you start to drift off almost immediately and within ten minutes you're fast asleep?

Yeah, I love that.

I've heard people say they dream in black and white.  I've heard people say their dreams are mundane.  I've heard people say they don't remember what they dream at all.  That is not the case for me.

My dreams are vivid.  I'm talking like, 3D technicolor awesome.  The weirdest shit goes on during my dream movies and, while I don't remember everything I dream, I do remember whatever I'm dreaming when I cycle back up and wake up.  Always.  

In my dreams, sometimes I'm watching the action and sometimes I'm the main character.  And sometimes, I flop back and forth in the POVs.  This head hopping annoys me as much as when I read a book and the POV switches without a designated and defined break.  

I don't have reoccurring dreams, per se.  I do, however, have reoccurring themes.  Sometimes, I'm driving and I can't stop the car.  I'm standing up on the break, pressing it for all I'm worth, and the car slows and I can control it but I can't make it stop.  I have dreams that I'm hiding in my grandmother's house from a killer trying to break in and axe murder me or that some of my teeth fall out and I can't get them to go back in where they are supposed to.  The salient details are always different in these dreams but the themes are the same.

I've done research about the themes and I guess they are right.  But honestly I don't put a whole lot of stock in that.  Because, no matter what I'm dreaming, it's seriously like a movie and the fact of the matter is, I love experiencing them.  I love dreaming.

Except the time I had a dream where I was kidnapped and the fear I felt lingered for a while after I woke up.  *shudders*  I did not like that.

But my favorite?  My favorite dreams are when I've been watching a show or movie or reading a book and then I dream about the characters...a whole new plot or whatever and I'm involved in the story line. That's just awesome.  And yes, I have dreamed about my own characters and what I saw made it into the plot.

Honestly, I think the reason I like to sleep, and to nap, so much, is because I know when I do, I'll dream.           

Thursday Again

This week, I've been having to go to work an hour earlier than normal.  I get out an hour earlier too, which is nice.  But that hour earlier in?  I've gotten used to putzing around before work, surfing the web, checking in on blogs, and drinking coffee before I go to work.  So, I'm having to get up earlier, even though I would make it in time if I didn't, because I still want to have my coffee and blog surfing.

I'm tired.  That hour less of sleep is catching up.

But it's Thursday and I'm looking forward to the weekend already.  I'll work on Sis's blanket some, because I promised, and laze around as much as possible.  That'll be good.  I'll probably work on Soul Bond too, because the boys are still talking to me.  I really love that.

Next week, I have Tuesday off (thought I was going to have to babysit but now I don't) so it's something to look forward to as well.  Sis think I can work on her blanket then, too.  We'll see.

At any rate, I'm not making any real plans.  I think maybe I've learned my lesson.

Oranges

A couple of years ago, Sis worked bad hours; from 1 PM to 11 PM.  One night (it was a Friday or a Saturday, I don't remember which) I got a hankering for oranges.  It was winter, the roads were kinda crappy, and I asked her to stop at the store on her way home to get oranges...she went right past the store to get to home.  She said no.  I promised her I wouldn't peel them around her (she says citrus gives her migraines...I don't entirely believe that) and would she please stop and grab a bag of oranges?  She staunchly refused.  She wouldn't budge.

All I could think about was the oranges.  I wanted them so badly.  Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore and I had to go get the oranges.  I had no choice.  I HAD TO have them.  The BFF, at the time, lived down the street and around the corner so at 11 o'clock at night, I drove over, picked up the BFF (because she's awesome and of course she would go with me), went to the store a few blocks away, got the oranges, dropped the BFF back off, and came home.

Whilst I was out, Sis came home.  She asked Mom where I was.  Mom told her I went to get oranges.  Sis rolled her eyes.  I got back and went to the kitchen where she was making her dinner, opened the bag of oranges, and took like four out of the bag.

"You were serious?!" Sis asked all mock shocked and surprised for the benefit of her audience.  (Toby was here that night and it was before he and I were what we are.)

I shot her a dirty look.  "I told you I wanted oranges."

I then happily ate every last one I brought upstairs with me.  And was satisfied.

What's the point of this story, you wonder, other than being an amusing little anecdote?  The craving for those oranges was so intense, so all consuming, that it was all I could think about until I actually had the oranges.  So, ever since then, anything that consumes my thoughts gets compared to the oranges.

I want a vacation.  I want to actually go somewhere for a few days, stay in a hotel, see the sights and the scenery, and just have some time.  I'm thinking the Adirondacks, because it's a place that I love dearly and there's no part of that region that's not breathtakingly beautiful.  Even if I have to go by myself, which may well happen as the wonderful BFF already has a vacation planned, I want to go.  It's all I can think about.

It's the oranges all over again.

 

Dichotomy

I spend a lot of time in my own head.  I over think things.  A lot.

I worry.  I worry about things I can't control and about how I'm perceived by other people.  I second guess the things I say, the things I write, the decisions I make.

I fixate on things I imagine happening.  When things don't happen according to the script, I get disproportionately sad about it.

I don't feel I'm worthy of the praise that I get about things that I've done.

I don't feel worthy.

And yet...

At the same, I'm actually a pretty happy and confident person.  It takes me a very, very long time to feel comfortable in social situations, but once I do, I'm fun and funny.

I'm very affectionate with the people I'm closest to and have no problem expressing my love and gratitude for them.

I take pride in what I do and I like to show things off.

I am well liked, loved even, and I know there are many people who I value that value me right back.

Just like everyone else, I have good days and bad days.  But sometimes I think that I can't really have both sets of emotions.  That I have to either be the first set or the second set.  That I'm really one, and the other is a lie.  That it's just something I'm forcing myself to feel because I think I should.  And I don't know which person I really am.       

Soul Bond: Part 2

Here's episode two!  I'm unaccountably nervous.

I've been over this six ways from Sunday and I'm not sure what to say about it.  Except...if there's confusion, there's meant to be a bit.  And hopefully, if there is, it'll be cleared up in the next episode.  That's the problem with posting things serial style.  But stick with me, okay?  And course, I'm always open to constructive criticism, as long as it's the helpful kind.  Feel free to leave a comment or send an email if you've got that kind.

If you missed the first episode, click the label!

Enjoy!

The Smell Of Yarn

I love the way yarn smells.  Love. It.

I love walking down the yarn aisle in the craft store and just inhaling.  I love when I open a new box or package when I order yarn online and it just permeates the air.  It smells so...I don't even know if I can describe it.  It smells like fresh and warm at the same time.  When I got the box containing the yarn for Sis's afghan, even though I already had a skein still left over from what I bought in the store that time, I opened it anyway, just to scent the yarn.  I mean, I wanted to check my order and make sure it was right and all, but really, I just wanted to smell it.

Does that make me weird?

June Again

It somehow became June when I wasn't looking, we're expecting one of the hottest days we've had yet this year (yesterday hit 91, we're only expecting 88 today), and I'll be spending the day with an eight fucking foot thick as hell afghan on my lap.

Ugh.

But I promised.  And even if she'll forgive me if I don't work on it constantly, Sis won't forgive me not working on it at all.  So that's what I'll be doing all day today, watching a marathon of Buffy and knitting until my hands fall off.  Thanks to a link from Alder, I have some great stretches to keep the fatigue in my wrist at bay and I'm sure I'm going to need them.  And I'll dig out the wrist supports, too, just in case.  

I mean, of course I'm going to try to work in a nap because, let's face it, that's what I do.  And I keep telling myself that the more I work on it, the faster it will be done.  But all I can think about is how hot it's going to be and uncomfortably warm it's going to make me feel.  

I guess it's a good thing I have excellent AC.