Dichotomy

I spend a lot of time in my own head.  I over think things.  A lot.

I worry.  I worry about things I can't control and about how I'm perceived by other people.  I second guess the things I say, the things I write, the decisions I make.

I fixate on things I imagine happening.  When things don't happen according to the script, I get disproportionately sad about it.

I don't feel I'm worthy of the praise that I get about things that I've done.

I don't feel worthy.

And yet...

At the same, I'm actually a pretty happy and confident person.  It takes me a very, very long time to feel comfortable in social situations, but once I do, I'm fun and funny.

I'm very affectionate with the people I'm closest to and have no problem expressing my love and gratitude for them.

I take pride in what I do and I like to show things off.

I am well liked, loved even, and I know there are many people who I value that value me right back.

Just like everyone else, I have good days and bad days.  But sometimes I think that I can't really have both sets of emotions.  That I have to either be the first set or the second set.  That I'm really one, and the other is a lie.  That it's just something I'm forcing myself to feel because I think I should.  And I don't know which person I really am.