Hiding

I'm more honest and open here on the blog than I am in real life.

There are very few people in my life who know that I write.  Even fewer still who know that a lot of what I write is M/M romance.  I'm not ashamed of what I write.  Part of it is that I don't talk about it with people so that they don't either A) pressure me to send things out to publishers or B) make those comments about how it's easy to write or that romance books aren't "real" writing.  And yes, there is that small part of me that is avoiding having the "But you're straight, and a girl" conversations. (Of which, I've had a few, with people that find out I read M/M.  I try to tell them that love is love, and everyone should be able to love who they want without fear, but, for some reason they agree and still don't understand why I read gay romance.)

I can count the number of people on one hand that actually even know I have a blog.  Literally.  There are five.  I think it's because I'm so open here...and I don't want people to know.  I know I'm hiding.  I know it.  But it feels so very much safer to let them only have the parts of me that make us all comfortable.

I will say that I fly my geek flag a lot more proudly than I used to.  It used to be a tightly guarded secret.  But now, though I don't talk it about it a lot, I have no problem raising it up and waving it around when the topic comes up.  

The people who I'm closest to, who I can trust, know all the bits of me (except the blog in some instances).  Part of not sharing it with everyone is about protecting myself from unnecessary negativity.  But part of it is just hiding.  

That makes me feel like a coward.  And I don't know if I'm brave enough or strong enough to change that.