Survival of the Fittest

I guess I'm pretty fit because I survived.

Roughly 36 hours after I walked out the door to my home, I walked back in.  I have never been happier to be home in my life.  It felt like I'd been gone a week.

The weekend was pretty much as bad as I expected it to be.  There were some serious moments of hurt.  There were moments when I couldn't understand what we were doing there in the first place.  

But despite the bad and the hurt, there were some really good moments too...fleeting though they were.  And those are the ones that I'm going to hold on to.  Those are the ones that I'm going to remember.  They didn't make it completely worth it, but they go a long way to remembering why I went.  And that's the important part.  

Thanks for all the good wishes and positive vibes y'all sent my way. I needed them, and they helped.  

On The Road...Almost

A couple of hours to go, and I'm off on my trip.

The day has not started well.

I woke up at about 4:30 AM with my head absolutely and completely killing me.  It hurt so baldly I would have gladly taken an ax to the neck to to stop the pain.  I took a few pills instead and crawled back into bed.  About an hour later, I had to get up again...to throw up.  Sometimes, when my head hurts that badly, I don't have a choice.  Only, I really, really hate vomiting, and I'll do just about anything to avoid it.  I couldn't avoid it this morning, but I fortunately only had a few mouthfuls of water in my stomach so it was over rather quickly.  I did start to feel a little better though (which also sometimes happens when I get the really bad headaches) so I was happy about that.  I went downstairs and got an ice pack.  Then I crawled back into bed with the ice at the back of my head. I managed to fall asleep again and now, two and half hours later, I'm feeling better.   My head barely hurts, just a wee tiny bit that I'm hoping some caffeine will fix, and my stomach has settled.

I'm only partially packed, so I need to finish that up.  And then I need to stop at the store and get a christening card and some travel shampoo/conditioner because my stuff is in huge bottles and I don't want to lug them.  And then I'll be all set to go.  Well, as ready as I can be, right?

On the good news front:  I finally remembered to bring the baby blanket to work, which is good, because the baby is due next week and my coworker was telling us that his wife is already starting to dilate. The baby will be showing up any day now.  He absolutely loved the blanket.  I mean, he actually gushed and he's not exactly a gushy guy.   He couldn't wait to take it home and show his wife.  I was well pleased.  

Anyway, soon I'll be off, and any good vibes you think to send my way will be greatly appreciated.  Thanks!  And have a good weekend!

As Ready As I'm Going To Be

At least mentally.

I'm not packed but I have my list. I know what to bring to keep my sanity in tact. To help me escape. I have the car charger ready so I don't lose power on the drive.

But I've gotten myself to a mental place that I think is pretty good. Yes, it's gonna suck donkey balls but I will make it through. I will hold my tongue. I will not cry. Okay, maybe I will but I'll be able to keep it inside and not make a scene. This weekend is not about me, and though I'll be stressed and anxiety ridden, I need to remember that.

I have a mental escape plan. I have a physical one too. And between both, I can make it through the weekend and make it about my nephew. I can handle this. I am ready.

Of course, that doesn't mean that I don't want this day to not end so tomorrow never comes.

Computer Update

Finally got the new computer at work.  Surprise!  I hate it!  Lol.  It's a better OS and it's faster, yes.  But I had to spend a stupid amount of time finagling it until it was how I wanted it.  I hate that game.  And then, if you remember, things had to actually be downgraded in order to make our programs run correctly.  So that means I have to do my web work on Internet Explorer.  Version 8.  Yes, I'm aware they are on like 12 now.  Only...I hate Internet Explorer.  It's a crap browser.  

I'm a Google girl. I like Chrome.  I'll even take Mozilla in a pinch.  But IE...just crap.  It makes me cranky.  I'll get used to it before too long, of course, but I'm unhappy.  

Am I glad not to be working with XP anymore?  Of course I am.  But still.  Yeah, I know I shouldn't complain.  But I can't seem to help myself :)

In other news, it's felt like Thursday all day yesterday.  And today feels like Friday.  But it's not.  And I hate it when that happens because it throws everything off and I'm out of whack.  I'm already messed up enough.  I don't need any help.

But the good thing is that there's an extra day before the trip, and I need that extra time to be mentally prepared.  

Happy not-Friday everyone!

Dreading...

There's a trip this upcoming weekend.  My nephew is getting christened and...I'm not looking forward to it.  At all.

Do I want to see my nephew?  Oh hells yes.  Of course I do.  He's too damn cute and has the best smile on the face of the planet.  Six months old, and he's got my heart.  It's true.  

But the travel?  The whole big party where I will know practically no one?  Yeah.  Don't want to do that.  

Y'all know I'm not a social creature.  I prefer being in solitude.  I actually get anxiety when there's too big of a crowd.  Even when it's people I know and love.  When it's not?  That's way worse.  

There are other issues, too, that I'm not going to hash out in public, because that's just not cool and I'm not that person.

Suffice it to say that it's going to be a hell of a weekend.  And I'm going to be on the raggedy edge of frayed nerves the whole time. All the good of the weekend is already being outweighed by the bad.  I keep trying to think positively, but honestly, there just isn't much positive about it.  It's going to be hard.  My routine will be upset, there will be crowds, my anxiety will be high.  

I already have a list of the things I will take, to help reduce the stress though.  I'll have my laptop to write and my kindle to read and my yarn to knit and hopefully, it'll help keep me sane.  

For my brother and my nephew, I will endure.  Even though I dread it with the fiery passion of a thousand suns.

Work Story

So, at work, we were still running Windows XP on our computers.  Yes, I'm serious.  I'll let you sit with that a minute so that can sink in.

Good to go?  Okay.

So our computers were seriously out of date and ran slower than molasses in January because the processors were big enough to handle our workload.  But we made do, right?  We plugged along and did what we had to do.  And even though I'd sort of shake my head every morning when I started up my computer at work, I'd deal.  

Now because of aforementioned processors,we couldn't just upgrade Windows.  Plus the computers themselves are a good ten years old.  So they bought new computers.  They actually arrived a couple of weeks ago, and our dude has been slowly and surely replacing everyone's computers with the new ones.  There is a lot of hassle because some parts actually have to get downgraded in order for the hospital systems to run (which is ridiculous to me...seems hospital systems, that hold radiology images and ALL THE PATIENT INFORMATION should be upgraded to the highest available browser and security, but what do I know?).  So it's taken him a while to get to everybody.

Everybody but me.

Which doesn't bother me so much, I can deal with waiting and whatever, except that I'm basically the only one in the office that knows what they are doing on a computer.  Yeah, the other girls can use the programs they know and maybe surf the web, but really, essentially they are computer illiterate.  Now, I'm not some great computer genius, I'm actually not that computer savvy, but I basically know what I'm doing and I can troubleshoot with the best of them.  So I don't have a new computer but I'm running around fixing everybody else's.

"Kris!  I can't print!" (Because she didn't have the default set right)

"Kris! Where did my program go!" (At the bottom, they are nested windows now)

"Kris!  I clicked something random and now I don't know what's going on!" (Yeah, don't do that.  Call me before you click stuff, okay?)

Windows is basically Windows, right?  I mean, yeah, 7 looks different than XP but really, it's all the same.  Common sense says that it's right where it should be.  But, really, you'd think we took PC users and sneak attack replaced their computers with Macs.  

I have to laugh because otherwise I'd cry.

I'm supposed to get my new computer next week, but he'd been telling me that for two weeks now.  I'll believe it when I see it.  And really, if it wasn't for all the finagling that needs to get done in order to make it compatible, I'd do it myself.  But I don't know all the bits that need to get installed, nor do I have access to do it, so I have to wait.  

I'm not even looking forward to it anymore.  Except I'll stop having that stupid pop up about how XP is no longer supported by Microsoft.  Yes, thank you, I know that.

But I'll certainly be glad when it's all settled.  

Feeling A Little Lost

It feels like there's been a lot going on in my life, but when I look back on it...well, not so much.  So I think that I'm going to have to chalk it up to feeling a little lost.  And now that I'm aware of it, I need to get it back on track, right?

Not this upcoming weekend, but the one after that, there's a road trip.  Nephew is finally getting christened.  And as much as I adore that adorable little bug--he really does have the best smile on the face of the planet--I'm not looking forward to that trip at all.  That's part of the unsettled feeling I'm having, I think.  Because, if I'm being starkly honest, I don't do well when my routine is upset.  Traveling, spending the night in a hotel, being surrounded by a fuckton of strangers...yeah, this is not ideal for me.

To combat the lost and the unsettled, I've come up with a list of things that I intend to work on:

--I need to get the yarn out again.  A few weeks ago, I put together the squares on that lapghan and I started working on the border, but now that it's all together, it's too hot on my lap to work on.  So that's siting on the back of my futon so I don't forget it, but it's not getting worked on right now.  Other than that, there is very little that I've done.  Yarning grounds me, and I need some grounding, so, there will be yarning in my near future.

--I have a short story brewing in my head, and I'd like to get it done in time to submit it for a sub call.  I very much intend to try.  But at the same time, I'm not getting myself all worked up about it if I don't.  There's not much time, and I haven't actually started it beyond a few sentences, but I think that I can do it.  

--I've been reading a lot, and some of it has been to review.  I'm really having a great time doing that.  It's a bit of a challenge, and sometimes I have to remind myself to be a bit more objective, but it's fun.  And the crew over at Joyfully Jay is pretty fantastic.  Plus, I'm not going to lie, free books are awesome.  That being said, I need to manage my time a little bit better there, so that's why this is on the list.  Manage my reading and reviewing time better.

All in all though, things have been pretty okay.  There are some dark days and some gray moment.  They are a little more frequent than they've been in the past.  Hence the feeling a little lost.  But now that I've recognized the issue, I can work on making it better for me.

At Least I Tried

Saturday morning when I woke up, I was bitten by the need to clean bug.  But I had a book I needed to read and review, and I had a few other books I wanted to read, and I tried to ignore it.  I tried and failed.

So after coffee, I cleaned and then I moved furniture.  I moved a lot of furniture.  Because sometimes I get in this mood where I just can't stand the configuration as it is, and I need a change.  And after I moved the furniture around....I moved it all back.  Because I hated it.  So it's all back the way it way, and I'm sort of upset that there isn't a better arrangement to be had.  But at least I tried.

Of course, all I really got out of it were sore hamstrings.  

I did change the sheets on the bed and wash the blankets and let me tell you, there's nothing better than getting into bed at night with fresh sheets and sweet smelling blankets.  That was good.

But after the disaster that was the furniture moving, I settled down to read.  I read a lot this weekend.  Some new, some old.  I read until the battery on my Kindle died.  And then I wrote.  And then, when my Kindle was charged again, I read some more.  

All in all, it was a pretty damn good weekend.  

The Ding

I'm backing out of the driveway this morning, and I hear a ding.  I'm all "What was that??" I look at the dashboard.  No lights are on.  I have almost a full tank of gas.  There's nothing flashing, no warnings.  I'm sort of freaking out.  Either I'm having auditory hallucinations, or I missed whatever was wrong with the car and is it going to suddenly die on me??

It's driving fine, feels completely normal, so I keep driving toward work.  But in the back of my mind, I'm worrying about the ding.  Did it mean something?  Or really, did I imagine it?  About a mile and half from my destination, I hear a different sort of chime.  My face floods with embarrassment, even though there's no one to see.

The ding?  Email notification from my phone.  Yep.  I've heard it a thousand times and yet, somehow, in the confines of the car, in the dreary gray raining morning, I had no idea what it was.  

I know I've been MIA from the blogging lately.  I was in one of those slumps where I felt like I had nothing worthwhile to say. So I didn't say anything at all.  I'm going to try to be better about that.  If nothing else, it really helps me.  

Have a joyous weekend!

Green Eyed Monster

I'm a jealous person.  There I said it.

I need to get my jealousy under control.  Big things, little things, stupid things, important things...it doesn't seem to matter.  I get jealous over a lot of different things.  And it's really illogical, but that I can't help it.

I'm usually pretty good about keeping the jealousy on the inside, of not letting it show, but that doesn't mean it isn't there, just under the surface, simmering away.  I'm not proud of it.  But neither can I make it stop.

Fighting For Air

The air conditioner made a horrible, terrifying clunking noise.  I jumped, then turned to glare at the offending machine.  It was still working, the fan going, but the air was not cold.  I glared some more, turned it off, turned it back on.  It worked like an air conditioner again.  I was pleased.  

And then the clunk again.

"Fuck!" I yelled to no one in particular.  "It's too fucking hot for this shit!"

The air conditioner, it seemed, did not care that I was hot and cranky.  I let it be, the fan blowing not-cold air, as I finished what I was doing.  But before I'd finished the chapter, it clicked on again, as if it had remembered it was an air conditioner again.  

"Thank you," I told it fervently.

I spoke too soon.  For not even ten minutes later, that horrible clunk again.  

"What is wrong with you?!"  I screamed.  I tossed the kindle on the futon beside me, and started tugging furniture out of the way so I could get to the window.  "You're supposed to work!  That's your job!  You want to be tilted more?  Is that your problem?  You think you're too level?  Fine.  Fine!  We'll take care of that!"

(And yes, I was aware that I was talking out loud to an inanimate object.)

I gathered the necessary tools: screwdriver to remove the screws securing it to the window, a board to prop up the front.  I unscrewed and lifted it from the sill.  The heat became stifling, sweat pouring down my face.  I glared and cursed.  Ten minutes later, the air conditioner was reinstalled with the board.  I hit the switch.  Air conditioner working as it should, I stood there, sweating and waiting.  Five minutes later, I cautiously pushed the furniture back into place.  I held my breath, waiting for the clunk to happen again the second everything was back in order.  

No clunk.

Turns out it was just a little bit too level.  It's been working fine ever since.  Thank the gods and goddesses.  

June in Bloom

June is a good month.  I like June. Something about reaching month six feel good to me.  

Of course, there's a part of me that can't believe that it's June already!

I'm not sure what it is that I like about June.  Probably the weather plays a huge role.  Around here, it's usually pretty damn warm, but not too humid yet--not like it gets in July and August--so being outside is nice and not suffocating.  

But with the warmer weather, I'm always less inclined to work on yarny type things.  Anything big and cumbersome--that rest on my lap--makes me much too hot.  And an uncomfortable yarner is an unhappy yarner.  And an unmotivated yarner.  Little projects are the key in the warmer months.

But it's summertime now, and sunshine makes me happy.  I might even plant some flowers to go with the mood.