Bittersweet Symphony

Last day of the job is over and done with.  I hardly got anything accomplished and I actually feel bad about that.  Not sure why.  It's not like it effects me at all.  Except that I adore my coworkers, so it's probably residual guilt at having left them with a wee tiny bit of a mess.  Fortunately, they will forgive me for it.  

They surprised me with lunch (which was yummy) and cake (which was very nice) and overwhelmed me with a gift so generous...they know me well and got me two gift cards to craft stores!  I was blown away and if I hadn't been sitting when I opened them I would have fallen right to the floor.  So very incredibly generous.  I am so touched and thankful and grateful...I can't even put it into words.  Even a couple of the bosses who have taken pains to avoid me these last two weeks took a moment to wish me well and tell me that I will be missed.  I was able to keep myself together enough that I only got choked up and didn't cry outright, so points to me.

And the good thing is that I now get to go shopping.  I've had my eye on a few notions that I've always wanted but felt were frivolous.  I'm going for it now.  That's why gift card money is so very amazing.  And before the week is done, I will send out thank you notes.  Thank you are two of the most powerful words in the universe when they are used with sincerity.  And I am to do just that.  Hopefully, I will able to express my heartfelt thanks with grace and aplomb.

Apparently, It's still Tuesday...

I work with some awesome people.  But tomorrow...tomorrow is the last day I will work with them.  Now, I know that my new job will also have awesome people (I'm fortunate to know some of them already) but it's still not the same as the awesome people I have now.  They don't want me to leave.  They are happy for me and for this new opportunity in my life, but they selfishly don't want me to leave.  They are trying to convince me that it's still Tuesday.  And if it's still Tuesday, then tomorrow is not Friday, the last day of working with me.

I love it.

But, alas, it is not Tuesday and tomorrow IS Friday and that means that it will all be over.  I am happy about this new stage in my life.  But I am so unbelievably, incredibly sad to be leaving my current job and especially my coworkers.  So I am placating myself with chocolate and salt chips and soda this evening.  I'm going to read some stuff and maybe write, because the voices were particularly talkative today, and ultimately just wallow in the sad for a while before I have to put on the big girl panties and be brave.  

Tonight, I don't have to worry about tomorrow.  Because it's still Tuesday.

Out of Sorts

It has been a strange day.  There was a weirdness in the air.  I'm coming up on my last day at my current job (this Friday) and I'm really learning the meaning of bittersweet first hand.  I'm excited about the next endeavor in my life.  I am also very sad to be leaving my current job...and my coworkers.  That's the hard part for me.  They are my friends and to leave them makes my heart heavy.  Fortunately, they are all happy for me, even if they threaten not to let me leave, and I am touched beyond words.  But when I am emotional, it makes me very sleepy.

Spent a little time with some extended family tonight (and got some baby snuggles!), which was nice, but family time is always a little stressful.  It also means that I didn't get any crocheting done yet.  And I know I really should pick it up, because I've given myself a deadline, but...well, I'm totally feeling apathetic.  So I'm telling myself that I will soon be shutting down my computer and working at least one round on the afghan before crashing for the night.

I'm not entirely sure what is wrong with my brain tonight, but I can't seem to focus on anything.  I need to get re centered.  A few hours with the task of crocheting should help.  It's easy stitches, with just a bit of counting involved, so it should help me zone out and settle.  I know I won't sleep if I don't get the gray matter under control.  I really need to be able to sleep well tonight, because a tired girl makes for an incredibly cranky girl.  And no one likes me when I'm cranky.

So, to sum up:  a few hours with the yarn to get the out of sorts back into sorts so that I can sleep peacefully instead of tossing and turning and praying for sleep. 

Fail!

Question: What is the definition of slacker?

Answer: Me, this past weekend.

My goal of finishing the afghan this past weekend wasn't just a fail.  It was an epic fail. I did absolutely zero work on the afghan.  I spent a couple hours on a scarf just to play with some yarn I got for my birthday.  But that didn't get me one iota closer to the finished product.  I'm a bad, bad girl.

The problem is I've reached that point in the project when I just want it to be done.  You know that point I mean, right?  That point where you are just sick of doing the same thing over and over again and you are just ready for the whole thing to be done.  It makes me apathetic.  No matter how much I love the project (and you may recall I love this one a lot!) I still hit that point where I am just...over it.  So I'm at that point and I want it to be just done but the only way for it to be done is if I just do it but I'm tired of it so I don't want to do it and I really just want it to be done...

...You see my problem, yeah?

At any rate I need to stop bellyaching and complaining about it and just do it!  

the best laid plans

I totally broke my yarn buying hiatus.  In my defense, it really didn't count.  I was spending my gift certificate to my LYS  I walked around and around....and around and around and around..that store for a long time.  I really love it in there.  So many wonderful yarns!  Finally I settled on some Rowan Cocoon in a pretty not quite slate blue.  When I saw the price, I was all O.O!  But then I remembered I was spending gift money and that if ever there were a time to splurge it would be then.  So I got it and it will, eventually. be a scarf for me, probably knitted on over sized needles and in some sort of lacy, openwork pattern in order for the fabulous yarn to stretch that much further.  

Sis and I spent some quality yarn time together yesterday.  I taught her a new pattern and then once she was comfortable enough that I didn't have to watch her every second (she gets paranoid she's doing something wrong) I got my own work out.  I dropped the f bomb a lot, because apparently I forgot how to count, but it was a good time.  Sis is very entertaining, even when she doesn't mean to be!

But tonight?  Tonight I'm taking a break from all things yarn because the voices (oh good Lord, the voices) have been quite raucous.  If I don't get them down on the page, they will be insufferable, and I need the rest of the weekend to finish (I hope!) C-Lou's afghan.

Wish me luck.  But only the good kind, please.

So Pretty!

Guess what I've been thinking about today?  

Yeah, it's not a surprise, I know.  I found this pic of these pretty, delicious, yarns.   All I can think is: I WANT!  Of course, I have much too much in the pipeline right now.  I'm on a yarn buying hiatus.  Because there are many things that I need to get done before I can buy myself anything new.  But aren't they sumptuous?!

My problem is, when I see a fabulous yarn, my gray matter immediately starts imagining exactly all the wonderful things the yarn can become.  In that picture right there?  I can see a pair of sock, several different scarves, a hat (or three), and if I get really ambitious, a sweater.  And the color pallet?  Swoon!  My very favorite blues and purples!  

But alas!  None of that is to be right now.  I'm nearly done with C-Lou's afghan.  And then I have a couple more to make.  One of them is for me!  I'm very excited about that one as it is made with knitted mitered squares in some fabulous Noro Silk, which is then coupled with crocheted borders.  But it waits until I finish other things.  So I am working hard to make that happen.

Carpal Tunnel be damned!

i am the grasshopper

The Wise One is a mom, grandma, mentor...an all around awesome person.  She's got an amazing outlook on life and a wicked sense of humor.  She is my Jedi Master in many things.

And I am Grasshopper.

I am fortunate to have her in my life.  She gives me all sorts of good advice, positive feedback, and encouragement.  She listens when I speak.  She always asks how my day is going and is genuinely interested in the answer.  And the best part?  I can give her that same goodness right back. 

When I've had a bad day in the yarn department, when I don't do what I should or haven't done as much work (or any work at all!) she tells me that it's okay.  The other thing that she constantly reminds me of is I can only be responsible for my own actions.  There is no point in worry about the things I can't control.  That's one I'm still working on.  But I am certainly trying.


Everyone should be so lucky as to have a friend like The Wise One.


Still working on C-Lou's afghan.  I need to get cracking.  My new (and as solid as I can make it) goal is to finish it by the end of the week.  If push comes to shove, then I will hole up this weekend and work my ass off until it's finished.  I'm very, very, very, tempted to keep it.  I really love it.  But I know that she will, too, and that makes me smile.    But I really need to get it done and give it to her so that I don't just...keep it.  It's not for me.


Maybe one day I will make one for myself, hm?

 

happy birthday!

Today is the actual anniversary of my birth.  Thanks, Mom!

I am a very lucky girl who has a lot of people who love her.  And humor her.  And make her spaghetti because it is her very favorite thing to eat.  And give her more yarn, because, let's face it, she can never, ever, ever have enough.

So, now there are more projects to plan, even though the BFF has tried to be a hiatus on that.  It's okay.  She'll forgive me in the end.  It's not my fault that I got more yarn and a gift certificate to my LYS.  So, yeah, more yarn and more projects.

I swear I'm going to finish the ones I have in the pipeline first!

What kind of day has it been

...yeah.

On Friday, I gave notice at my job because I got a new one.  That caused all sorts of drama and I decided very seriously that I am not a fan of being the center of attention.  It totally threw me off my game.  

But the day ended well because I got thrown a birthday party!  It put me back on an even keel.  Time with family and friends always makes things better.  And also yarn.  The sock yarn I was given made me give a big smile.  Cause, yeah, yarn can make smile.  Oh, and I also got a sweet ass 32" flat screen TV (yeah, I'm spoiled) so I can watch TV while I crochet C-Lou's blanket.  I totally have to make myself focus on that right now, because of aforementioned sock yarn makes me want to make socks (despite still being plagued by SSS) instead.  Now that I have given notice, I have two weeks to finish the afghan.  We work together, and even though I will still see her after I move to the new job, I want to get it done before I don't see her all the time.  So, two week time limit.  

Best get cracking, don't you think?

Second Sock Syndrome

It's a horrible affliction.  I, myself, am a chronic sufferer of SSS.  For those of you who are not aware, Second Sock Syndrome is the disease in which you make one sock...and never make the second one.  It's not just socks either.  This disease can manifest in any project where you need to make two of the exact same thing; mittens, gloves, or sleeves can all be affected by SSS.

I have an even more serious problem.  I don't ever like to make the same pattern twice.  It seems to me like it's "been there, done that."  What's the challenge in it?  I've already done it once!  And then, too, it lessens the uniqueness of gifts given when someone else already has it.

I'm able to overcome the disease in small bouts.  I have, in fact, made three whole pairs of mittens/glittens.  I have also made the same project a few times.  There was a wrap I made on three different occasions.  But that doesn't count, not really.  Because those were orders.  Someone had actually requested that I make them so that they could be given as gifts to others.  But it's a fight every time.  I have to make myself work the project.  And, for me, that diminishes the enjoyment of it.  

You may recall that the afghan I'm making for C-Lou is one that I have done before.  This is the rare occasion where SSS hasn't even come into play.  The first time I made it, it was a gift for my brother.  He picked the colors and it looked awesome when it was done.  I absolutely loved it!  I told myself, then and there, that someday I would do it again.

A few years later, there was a request for a baby blanket.  I tried several different patterns before I thought of this one.  And I thought: it wouldn't be the whole afghan because a baby blanket is much smaller, so it wouldn't be exactly like working the same thing all over again.  I dusted off the pattern and set to work.  The end result?  I loved it all over again.  I filed that knowledge away for future reference.

And now?  I still love it.  I'm happy I chose it for her afghan.  And I have no doubt that in a few more years, the pattern will once again resurface.  Anything that makes living with SSS a little easier is worth repeating, wouldn't you say?

The Voices In My Head

I make a lot of things.  Hats, scarves, mittens, glittens, gloves, afghans, lapghans, baby blankets, animals, people.  And making these things, planning them, satisfies a big part of my brain.  It stops the patterns (and color choices and yarn choices) from swirling relentlessly in the gray matter.

But there are voices up there too....

Don't worry.  I'm not schizophrenic and I don't have multiple personality disorder.  I write.  A lot.  Nothing has been published...I don't know if I will ever get to that place where I am satisfied enough with my own work to even submit it.  But that doesn't matter.  Not really.  I write for one reason: that's the only way to get the voices in my head to shut the hell up.

They are a demanding sort, the voices.  They all have lives and stories that they insist be told.  I have no choice put to put those words on paper.  And I enjoy it immensely.  I'm a creative person and this is just another outlet for me to express that.  To let my imagination run wild.

But sometimes it's like someone is sitting on the remote control to my brain and it's constantly flipping channels.  Characters are yelling at me one minute; the next, I'm awash in yarn choices and pattern planning.  It can get incredibly busy up there.  Especially during the later hours of bored o'clock.  I try to write it down so that I don't lose anything.  And that way I can look at it again later, when it's not so busy, and see if any of it is actually a good idea.  

Of course, I dream of a day when I can make my living as an author and devote all my free time to the yarn instead of having to divide downtime between words and yarn as I do now.  I can't help but dream; I'm a Pisces.  But until that day comes, I will continue to work on yarn projects with joyful abandon and write what the voices tell me to.  The yarn is a balm to my soul.  The words are written to make the voices go quiet...and because the BFF demands entertainment (she's a Scorpio, so she can't help it either).  

And sometimes, the need to write outweighs the need to craft.  But that never lasts for long.

Bored O'Clock

The BFF and I have our own way of telling time.  Monday - Friday, 8:00 to 4:30?  That's bored o'clock.

The day job is boring. I like the job (mostly) and I do the job well (also, mostly).  But a good portion of my day is the same exact thing, every single day.  And while that appeals to the part of me that is mildly OCD (same order of things, everyday!), it can be very boring.  But there is a bright side!  Because while part of my brain is thoroughly engaged in doing the job, the other part of my brain is free to roam wild.  I'm pretty sure it's the left side that does the wandering.

You may have an idea as to where the other part of my brain goes.  I spend a great deal of time thinking about yarn.  But not just yarn, colors, patterns, stitches.  There are days when I have completely designed entire garments or afghans several times over.  It's constantly changing in my head.  And if I have a particularly boring day?  Then I finish the work day with several projects planned...and replanned...and a list of supplies needed.  These projects don't always make it to fruition.  But I love to plan, to think, to imagine.


Imagination is the key.  Without that, none of this would be possible.  So while bored o'clock is happening, I'm counting down the minutes until it's over.  But as soon as it is, I'm thankful.  Thank goodness I have bored o'clock.  Because without it, I'd never think of anything at all.
 

Hey Grandma!

I spent the majority of the day baking.  A couple of times a year, my mother, my sister, and I make cinnamon rolls.  It was my grandmother's claim to fame.  She was my mother's mother and she died a few years ago at the age of 94.  It never fails that when we bake the cinnamon rolls, we talk about Grandma. It's nice to remember.  Grandma usually made a big batch when she would come for a visit and sneak my sister and I tastes of the dough.  We loved to eat it raw but my mother seemed to think this was bad for us.  Grandma would wait until Mom's back was turned and gives us a bite.  She could be a strict woman, but in those moments, she was on our side.  It is one of my favorite memories of her

I made good progress on C-Lou's afghan both before and after the baking adventure.  It's slate blue and dark brown (Red Heart TLC paradise blue and dark brown) per her request.  I gave her a "gift certificate" for her birthday a few weeks ago and this is what she asked for.  She picked the colors, but gave me cart blanche when it came to the pattern.  It's a crocheted ripple afghan, but it's worked in the round.  I've made this particular pattern before which is something I don't usually do (more on that another time) but when she told me that she wanted an afghan, this was the pattern that popped into my head.  I couldn't shake it loose.  I thought of about fifteen other patterns to do, but I kept coming back to this one.  In the end, I decided that was an omen and purchased the right amount to complete this project.


Remember when I said yarn was forgiving?  I was reminded of that once again today.  I messed up and did the wrong round.  It wasn't until I got all the way to the end of the round that I realized I had jumped ahead in the pattern.  I stared at the book.  I stared at the afghan.  I counted the rounds again, hoping that I had miscounted.  I had not.  I said some bad words and debated for an extraordinary amount of time whether or not I should rip out the entire round and start over.  I did a few stitches on the new round in attempt to see if I could cover up my mistake.  And as I did so, I realized one important fact:  no one was going to know that it was wrong.  Yarn is forgiving.  It wasn't a huge mistake, the pattern wouldn't suffer.  No one would know there should have been decreases instead of skipped stitches.  Grandma would tell me that only God is perfect.  I left the round as it was and finagled the next round.  It still looks good.  And when it's completed and lying on the back of C-Lou's couch, she's not going to stare at it and say "Those are the wrong stitches right there!"  She will look at it and smile, because she appreciates the time and effort and feeling that goes into making an afghan.  That's why she asked for it in the first place and why she was shocked and pleased and cried just a little bit when I said I would make her one.  And that is the point of it right there.  

My goal is to complete this project within the next week.  I started it Thursday night and it's almost half done.  I think C-Lou has patiently waited long enough for her birthday gift (though she knew up front it would take time) and I want to see it grace the back of her couch.  It's where it belongs, after all.

Obsession...probably

What is an obsession?

I have been told that I am obsessed with yarn.  It's probably true.  I can't get enough of it.  I am  constantly working on a project...or thinking about a project...or thinking of new projects I want to attempt.  I scour the Internet and books and magazines looking for new patterns.  Or looking for patterns that I can alter and adjust to fit my needs or mood.  Some have even said that knitting and crocheting is my addiction.

At least I'm not addicted to cocaine.  

I like to make things but I love making things for other people.  When I create something, it gives me a profound sense of worth.  Look at this beautiful thing I made for you!  Can't you see how much love and time and attention I put into it?  I am showing you how much you mean to me in a way words cannot begin to describe.  

Those who are fiber addicted can understand my plight.  Yarn is an incredible medium.  It is forgiving and soft and cozy.  With just the twist of a hook, or a slide of a needle, you can make something ordinary into something extraordinary.  I would be lying if I said that it wasn't a bit of a rush to be able to mold something into something else.  Something useful and practical.  Something that can be worn or cuddled under.  Something that is a constant reminder of my feelings for the person it was created for.  

But knitting and crocheting is more than just that for me. Sure, it's stressful at times, when the yarn isn't behaving like I want it to or the pattern isn't turning out like I thought it should.  But even when it's stressful, its much more of a stress relief.  I can't even begin to tell you how creating something with yarn makes me let go of all the other stresses in my life.  It is a gift.  

Right now, I'm working on a afghan for my friend C-Lou, with an afghan for another friend and another one for me in the bullpen.  And that's just today.  Tomorrow, there may be even more projects on my to do list. 

Am I obsessed?  Addicted?  Yes, I probably am.  Am I upset about that?  Not even a little.  At least it's not cocaine