Piscean Angst

I don't put much stock in astrology as a whole.  But the fact of the matter is, the description of my sign is scary accurate.  Sometimes, I go searching on the web to find it, just to read a different version and find out that, once again, even the new version describes me.

The parts about being creative and sensitive are easy for me identify with.  Easy to hear, easy to believe.  Compassionate and kind I embrace.  Intuitive and sympathetic?  Absolutely.  Even most the not so flattering aspects are OK:  easily led, secretive, escapist.  

But the part about being filled with self doubt and not knowing my own worth?  That part is both true and horrifying at the same time.  I don't want to have the constant doubts and paranoia that I'm going to get in trouble for something, or that I've done something wrong, or that I should be doing something different.  It plagues me mostly at work, even when I know I'm doing the things correctly.  And I get myself all worked up.

It happens with the yarn, too.  I'll spend all this time working on something, convinced of its awesomeness and then when I've finished it and am about to give it to whomever it belongs to, I'm filled with the kind of doubt that is almost crippling.  I'm convinced that they will hate it, or it's ugly, or it just turned out very, very bad and I should just buy something instead.

And, of course, with the words.  The words which fill my head and live there and the characters and stories that take up all my brain space...when I put them on the page, I'm absolutely certain they are not good enough to see the light of day.  They are not fit for human consumption.  

I've taken to talking myself out of the dizzying death spiral when the self doubt surfaces. And it works...for a minute or five.  And then, before I know it, I'm back down at the bottom and the process has to start all over again.  Then I'm calm for a bit, five or ten or sixty minutes.  And then, down I go because I'm absolutely convinced that the the bad is right and the good is wrong.

I am a Pisces.  It is part of my nature.  But that doesn't mean that I can't learn to cope with it.  Right in this moment, I'm in a good place.  Accepting that I am who I am and that I can let go of the self doubt.  

At least until the next time it rears its ugly head.