Happy Easter!

Since we know I can't be let near any bunnies because if I am then they might just die a horrible, gruesome, bloody death by carrot, I'm going to steer clear of the little buggers.

Family dinner, some candy, probably another nap.  Can't get much better than that.

I baked the pie (meh) and the banana bread (yay!) yesterday so we're all set.

Have a splendid holiday everyone!  Enjoy!

 

To Hell With It

I'm making plans.  I don't care that they've, recently, all fallen apart.  I'm making them anyway.

Part of the anxiety issues I have is from the not knowing.  I need to know what to expect.  I need to know what I'll be doing and I need to know how people will react.  It's when those things are unclear that I have issues.  

So, it's Friday and the weekend is looming and I'm making plans.  

I'm going to work on that modular knitting thing I mentioned and see if I like it.  It seems easy enough and I know I'll either absolutely love it or absolutely loathe it.  There will be no in between.

I'm going to lay in bed and watch a movie while doing nothing else.  Usually, I multitask; write or knit or crochet.  But I'm going to use it as and opportunity to destress, give the movie my full attention and just chill.

I'm going to take a nap because that is one of my supreme guilty pleasures and last weekend, I hardly napped at all.  I'm not sure how that happened, but I feel deprived because of it.

And I'm going to take some time to just be; quiet, still, just be me alone with my thoughts.

I feel much better than I have over the last couple of days and I'm going to do my damnedest to keep that going.

Downward Spiral

Yesterday morning, I woke up feeling emotionally raw.  I don't know what caused it and that was the thing that was freaking me out.  I know I was over tired and that was a contributing factor, but there was no actual reason for me to feel like that.  The more I thought about it, the worse it got and for no reason at all, I was sitting at my desk fighting tears.  

So, I talked about it with a few of trusted friends.  I spewed it all out.  And, like the clouds parting and the sun peeking through, I started to feel better.  And those friends gave me support and some theories and I felt even better.  And by the end of the day, I was back to normal.

I don't normally experience things like that and it was upsetting.  But knowing that I have a support system like that?  Knowing I can let it all out and those friends take it on their shoulders so the burden isn't on me?  Knowing that just getting it off my chest relieves the pressure?  I am reminded once again, just how blessed I am.

I just hope that I am able to be the same support back, should it ever be needed. 

Meh

I seriously don't want to go to work today...for no other reason than I'm sort of emotionally out of it.  Not sure why that it is.

If it weren't month end, I'd call in.  But it is so I won't.  Alas, I will go to work and just wait until I can leave again.  And do my damnedest to be productive in the meantime.

A Bit More Randomness

I got exactly two reactions when I showed off "Death by Carrot" yesterday.  There was laughter followed by a comment like "Oh my God! That's disgusting and/or gruesome" or there was laughter followed by "Oh my God! That's awesome!"  I was very happy with both reactions.

I learned a new pattern yesterday using modular knitting.  I might play with the colors left over from the Tom Baker scarf and see what I come up with.  

I'm intrigued by threesomes.  (Mary, I'd tell you to get your mind out of the gutter, but that's where it should be)  Not just the porny hotness factor of it, though there is that, but more about if a threesome could actually work long term in real life.  I don't personally know anyone who's attempted this.  I have it from a reliable source that it could indeed work; he has seen it.  I think the romantic in me likes the idea that three people could love each other equally without there being over the top drama about it.  (For a fairly good fiction book about a threesome, I recommend N.R. Walker's Three's Company.  I love those guys.)

Watching Lucy Mae the tortoise eat her collard greens is a soothing experience.  She's slow (as you might imagine) and methodical.  And yet, there's an enthusiasm about it as well.  I think we all could learn a lot by watching tortoises.  By the way, she's still very cool.

I think it's interesting how we can make friends with someone we've never met through the internet.  There's a bit of blind trust there, too.  Because you have to trust that the other person is honest about who they are and what they are thinking.  I've met some people through my trips on the blogosphere that I have no doubt are being genuine and I feel honored to "know" them. 

Sometimes, sitting down to dinner with my mom and siblings is the best part of my day.  My brothers are hilarious and make me laugh so hard my face hurts.  That kind of joy is cherished and never taken for granted.  I am a very blessed and lucky woman to be that close to my family.

The BFF and I share a brain.  Sometimes, the thoughts we have are exactly the same.  Sometimes, she can say one word and I know exactly what she's talking about.  Sometimes, our conversations are "You know, that thing..." "Yes!  Because of the..." "Exactly, you got it!" and we know with absolute certainty that the other knows what we're talking about. I'm half convinced we're some sort of science experiment; genetically engineered people sent to live with different families in a complicated nature vs nurture study.  There's no other way that two people can be so similar.  Of course, there are certain things we differ on so it never gets boring.
  

Spell Break: Part 2

The next episode is ready for your consumption.  Or at least as ready as I can make it.  

If you missed the first installment you can read it here or you can click the label in the right hand side bar. 

Hope you enjoy it!

A Taste of The Macabre

Mr Bubbles the Bunny has got a tasty carrot.  It was the biggest and juiciest carrot he could find.

Oh no!  Attack of the killer carrot!

*gurgle**gurgle**gurgle*

I made an amigurumi. 

Universe Conspiring

I think, for some reason, the universe doesn't want me to yarn.

It's not a secret that I am a voracious reader.  It's my first love, before the yarn, and I sometimes find it hard to balance the two.  Riptide Publishing has this awesome feature that if you pre order a book, you get it 48 hours before general release.  I think it's awesome, of course.  Covet Thy Neighbor will be released on Monday and because I pre ordered it, I get it today.  I've been waiting for Seth's story since the very first Tucker Springs book Where Nerves End.  I'm a fan of L.A. Witt, Marie Sexton, and Heidi Cullinan and when I found out that they'd be co authoring a series, sometimes co authoring books, I was thrilled.  I've read them all as they have come out.  And now, finally, Seth's story.  So that's what I'll be doing for he next few hours.

Of course, that does leave plenty of hours to work on the yarn after that.  So, tentatively, that is the plan.  Read the book and then make some adorable (and gruesome) amigurumi.  I don't want to make the plan too solid because then I'm afraid it'll get interrupted or something.  That happens with alarming frequency.

After that, I'm going to work some on Spell Break. Whether that's later today after yarn or tomorrow, we'll see.  I have the next two "episodes" plotted out with notes.  Tune in Monday to see episode two.  

But first?  More coffee.

And Then Tortoise Happened

I knew my plans would get shot to shit.

First, Alder so generously pointed out that Sis's afghan is being neglected.  Thanks for that, by the way, Alder!  So, I felt guilty.  And I started rearranging plans in my head because I should be working on that some right?

And then Sis got going about how she wants a tortoise, which she's been researching for weeks.  And because of the guilt, I agreed to go to the specialty pet store with her.  She told me she wasn't ready to buy, but I knew, I knew, once we saw the tortoise it would be coming home with us.  She called ahead and found out they had one female Russian Tortoise.  Which was on her list of approved tortoises to get.  All the way there, she insisted that she wasn't going to buy and that she didn't necessarily want a Russian, because she really liked the cherry headed red foots.  We walk in, we walk around, we look, we finally ask and they pull the tortoise out of her cage.  We hold her.

We came home with a tortoise.  

I gotta tell you, she's freaking cool.  I'm not even sure why.  But she's just cool.  It's not like she does anything exciting, she just kinda hangs out.  She doesn't make any noise.  And maybe that's why.  

Meet Lucy Mae:

At any rate, after tortoise shopping and then setting up her new home, and then (and I blame Jay for this) a book review that made me want to read a new book, I did all that instead of making amigurumi guys.  Oh well, there's always tonight.

Tempting Fate

I know I'm totally asking for something to fuck with my plans just by the act of making them, but, alas, I can't help myself.
 
Making amigurumi, in the past, has been always been something that I can do very quickly but I don't do very often.  You see, the whole point of this particular type of crafting is to use a much smaller hook than you normally would with the weight of yarn so that it's an incredibly tight gauge.  And that makes sense because that way the stuffing doesn't show through once you get the polyfil inside, right?  But the down side of this is that it makes my hands cramp and my wrist ache.  And sometimes it's hard to keep track of the beginning of the round or which round you're on.  

But I got all these lovely (and morbid and creepifying) patterns just waiting to be made.  And I have all this yarn...tons and tons of it...in my stash.  What a perfect way to use up some stash yarn, right?  So yeah, I'm making plans.  I'm going to make some of these little amigurumi guys.  

When I get home from work, there will be first, a bit of searching to find all the yarns that I need (because my stash has had a crazy penchant for spreading out) and then a bunch of yarning.

Stay tuned for pics in the near future.  

Spoiled

Yeah, it's true.  I am.  My people know me; they give me gift cards (and statues) to yarn stores so I can buy yarn, they give me books of patterns so I can make things with yarn, they give me notions to make making things with yarn easier on me.  I got a pair of sneakers and a pair of flip flops and a hoodie and a Amazon gift card to indulge my obsession with books...all the things I love.  I am spoiled.  Fortunately, I'm not spoiled rotten though.  Because I don't expect these things and I don't become a horrid brat about it and I am very appreciative and grateful for all the things I get.  

But yes, I am a bit spoiled. :)

I had a wonderful birthday and not just because of the prezzies.  There was quality family time, which you know I love.  A nice dinner out with lots of laughing...and an impromptu group sing when "Me and Julio Down By The Schoolyard" came on the radio.  I think we may have scared the other patrons with that, but hey, that's who we are as a family so they can just deal.

So now, work (blech) and then home.  Where I think I'm going to put one of those patterns to work, along with my new notions, and see if I can't make something fun.

It's My Birthday!

Yay!

OK, so birthdays don't bother me at all.  I don't care that I'm another year older because I don't feel any older than I did ten years ago.  I don't have any of those hang ups that other people do about birthdays.  To me, age really is just a number.

At work today, I'll get cookies (because there's been a lot of cake lately and I wanted something different) and lunch (my choice; I'm getting baked ziti) and then dinner out with the family this evening.  Maybe some more presents.  I like presents, I'm not going to lie.  And speaking of presents, some things I got on Sunday at my little birthday party were:   

-Pink and gray plaid flannel pajamas which are very comfortable

-Gift certificate to my favorite local yarn shop; extra cool because she does these statues of sheep that are the gift certificates

-Two books for amigurumi; one has all these sweet animals in in it, big heads, wearing pajamas, a little turtle family, extra sweet.  The other?  That one indulges my dark side; mental patients, headless horseman (with horse), vampires, aliens, shark eating a severed limb, a bunny impaled by a carrot...just awesome!

-An ergonomic handle to use with my crochet hooks to hopefully keep the carpal tunnel at bay

-A gift card to Amazon so I can buy more gay romance (that was from Toby and that's his stipulation...complete with suggestive eyebrow waggle)

-I also know that I will be getting a messenger bag with Thorny's sunshine on it because my brother double checked with me before he ordered it 

The muse gave me an early birthday present and I've already got the part two of Spell Break written.  I just have to reread it a thousand times and edit.  You all still have to wait until Monday though.  ;)

Spell Break: Part 1

Gulp!

OK, here it is.  The first installment. Please remember that even though I've read it about a hundred times, it's by no means professional.  I hope you like it a little...at least enough to find out what happens next.

I made the blog itself a little wider because everything fit better that way.  And I changed to a better email form in the contact me tab, because the other one didn't give me information that I needed, I just didn't realize it.  

OK without further ado; Spell Break.

Dedication:
To Alder, Mary, and The BFF...Y'all know why.  Or if you don't, you will soon.

The Feast of St. Patrick

I'm not entirely sure when this particular saint's feast day turned into an excuse for anyone and everyone to get rip roaring drunk but I am solidly against it.  Adults don't need an excuse such as this to imbibe and they should be responsible enough not to drink to that kind of excess.  I get that it's a celebration and all but seriously?  It's gone too far.  

That being said, I am having a wee party today.  But it's not in honor of St. Patrick.  I'm having a few friends and family over to celebrate my birthday, which is actually two days from now.  We're having spaghetti, my favorite meal, and my favorite cake, and mostly we'll be sitting around, laughing and talking, munching on snacks, and just being together.  A good meal, good friends, and good conversation.  And cake.  

Dragon

I like to talk out loud to myself.  I'm an auditory learner and things often make more sense to me when I say or hear them.  When I'm working out plot lines and story ideas, and I'm by myself, I usually say it out loud.  I'll talk out whole scenes if I want to see how they work.

A couple of weeks ago, I bought the Dragon Naturally Speaking software.  It allows you to speak and it dictates for you.  Setting it up is easy, just a few training sessions where you say a few things for it to learn your voice and speaking patterns, and then off you go.  the more you use it, the better it becomes acclimated to your speaking patterns.  I'd played with it, but never really tried to write with it.  It's a bit awkward to get used to because if you want to write something like, "Hey, what's up?" it has to go like this: open quote hey comma what's up question mark close quote.  

Last night, I wrote more than 3500 words using Dragon.  It, surprisingly, doesn't take too long to remember to speak the punctuation marks as well.  You can edit with voice commands, too.  Sometimes, that's easy to do.  It puts the wrong word it, you say correct that, and pick the right option or spell it out.  Other times, I found it easier just to physically type the correction.  

But the thing is, I really liked using it.  It did make things a bit easier for me, getting to speak it out loud.  After I was done, I made some changes and edits manually.  But the bulk of it was on the page.  Whether it was actually faster than when I type, I'm not sure.  I type pretty fast.  But it was a fun and interesting way to get the words on the page.

You'll get to see the fruits of my labor on Monday.

Oh, and yes, if you were wondering, I do talk out loud to myself about knitting and crocheting patterns as well.  :D

The Muse is Pleased

Apparently, last night was the night my muse decided to go bug nuts crazy.

First, while and work and during a text discussion with the BFF, she decided to scrap most of book five of the supernatural series that I've been writing for several years and take it in a completely different direction.

Then she reworked the dream pattern to something she liked even better.  I guess the third time really is the charm.  We are extra super pleased with this development and we cannot wait to get started on it.  I have a feeling it may be sooner rather than later.  It now looks like this:

 Then we wrote.  We wrote and wrote and wrote.  Ultimately, we ended up keeping the first three chapters of the original version and then throwing everything else out the window and starting a war.  We are pleased by this development too. And it felt really good, because I haven't been struck by the muse in that world in so very long.  I was having DTs because of the withdrawals.  I thought she abandoned me there.  And I love those characters so very much that I didn't want to never write them again.  All I can feel is relief, like a crack whore that got her next fix. 

But was that enough for the muse?  Oh no!  Of course not!  Because, you see, we have this serial story we're going to post on the blog now don't we?  So, of course, that needed some work, too.  So, after we wrote a couple thousand words there, the muse was finally, finally, sated.  I think she had all the cocaine she could handle and she's now sleeping it off in the corner.  

I'm hoping she's jonesing for it by the time I get home from work, because I have more plans to write!

The Story

All right, here's how it's going to work..

One day a week (I'm thinking Mondays right this moment) at seven a.m. (that's noon for you, Alder! ☺) I'll schedule a post to go up.  Each week will have the next installment of the story.  I'm warning you now; I like ending things with cliff hangers.  Some parts may be NSFW.  Probably all of them actually.  I'll put in a jump break so they don't take up the whole screen unless you click it...and if you're not in a place that it's safe to read, then don't click it, yeah?  Because they will probably be longish.  Each post will have a special label that I will use on every post so if you miss one, you won't have to go hunting.  Just click the little label on the side bar. I'll try to edit them as best I can, but of course, I'm not a professional editor.  While I'll strive not to have typos and the like, punctuation or sentence structure won't be perfect. 

I'm very nervous and very excited about it.  I hope y'all like it. If you don't, maybe you can be real nice about it and just tell me it's not your cup of tea, hmm?  No, I'm open to constructive criticism.  Just be kind.  And maybe use the Contact Me tab at the top.

As it looks now, our tale will begin Monday March 18th. 

Your Opinion Matters

OK, here's the thing...

There's been this thought bouncing around in my head for a while and so, I'm throwing it out to you.  I talk about writing a lot but other than the guest post over at Joyfully Jay and a little story that Matty posted in the comments one day over at 2 Boys, I've never really shown it so...

What do you think about me posting up a serial story here?  It'll be like the ones that I've sent the BFF in the past.  I won't know exactly where it's going as I write it, we'll see what develops.  The idea that I have in my head starts with a premise you might find familiar (snicker) and takes a supernatural turn.  And there will be some M/M love.

Yea or nay?

Recap

OK.  So, the BFF and I went to our favorite diner for our favorite breakfasts.  I couldn't finish all my home fries, but that's nothing new.  It was nice and quite in there so we got our food pretty fast and stared off into space while we ate.  We do that.  We can have comfortable silences while our individual minds wander...and then randomly say something out loud when we think of something to share.  We left the place a little overly stuffed and headed over to the mall and the theater.

On the way there, I realized that we had talked about stopping at Barnes and Noble.  We had time to kill before the movie so I quick swung over into the right lane and pulled in.  We didn't shop for long, we both knew what we wanted.  I got the latest book in the Mercy Thompson series by Patricia Briggs.  It's something that I've been reading since pretty much the beginning.  I adore the series and this latest one was no disappointment, though I was a little wary after having read the blurb.  I should have known she would have handled it in a way of which I would approve.  


We got to the the theater, bought our tickets, then wandered the mall for a bit because we still had time to kill.  The movie was...well, it was predictable.  And also a little cheesy.  The effects were very impressive but the story line was nothing that you couldn't figure out.  I don't regret seeing it but I probably wouldn't watch it again.

After that, I dropped the BFF at her car and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening reading the book.  

All in all, it was a very good, relaxing day and I enjoyed it immensely.  I kind of needed it.  And now there are only four days left to the week!

Shindig, Breakfast, and Movie

I am a devout Whedonite.  Joss Whedon is my master.  

He created this show that aired ten years ago that got shafted by the network it aired on but developed a hardcore cult following.  I'm talking, of course, about Firefly.  Amazing show.  Yesterday, we had a shindig.  Essentially, we had us a little party, ate some good food, and watched episodes of Firefly.  It was awesome.

Today, no work.  Instead, the BFF and I are having one of our days.  We're going to breakfast at our place (yeah, we have a diner we go to and adore) and have our favorite breakfasts.  And then we're gonna hit the cinema and see Oz The Great and Powerful.

Even as happy as I am to have a day to destress and just hang out with the BFF, I'm already antsy about going to work tomorrow.  I'm trying very hard to not let the work thing stress me out at all, because I do like the job and the people I work with, and I suppose that on the one hand it's good I'm making a point to really pay attention to what I'm doing.  But on the other hand, it makes those eight hours tough.  

So, I'm going to do my damnedest just to enjoy the day.  Nothing better than a little playtime with my beautiful BFF.

Cables and Characters

Yesterday, after the shenanigans that went on here, I had plot bunnies swimming in my head. I also wanted to play with the yarn.  So, I sat there, playing with cables, TV playing in the background but not paying attention to it at all because the voices would not shut up.  The muse seemed to particularly like the starting point inspired by the comments yesterday.  She wouldn't leave it alone.  And now I have two characters and a whole first chapter.  Where they go from here, I can't quite say.  The attraction is instant and I totally get why they get together...but I'm not quite sure why they stay together.  I'll keep them in my brain and we shall see what develops, hmm?

It's not what the BFF wants me to work on (don't try to deny it, dear :P) but I haven't felt inspired by that in a long time.  I don't know why.  Other than a burst a couple of weeks ago, that didn't go very far, it's all dried up in my head.  I guess it's a good thing that I haven't published that because otherwise I'd have fan who hated me for not producing anything.  As it is, The BFF is sad but as she loves me, she doesn't hold it against me.  Much.  

But I played with cables and thought up some characters...so it's not a total waste of a day, right?

Happy Anniversary

Today, For The Yarn Of It is one year old!  Huzzah!

*throws confetti everywhere*

I really can't believe a year has gone by so fast.  It doesn't seem like it's been so long.  I still remember with absolutely clarity when I decided to start the blog.  I'd been following a few of them for a bit, about a month or so, and I kept thinking I wanted to write my own.  But what to say?  What would it be about?  I was sitting at my desk (at the old job) and working, but my mind was half occupied with those thoughts.  And then, like a lightening bolt in the dark, I had the name of the blog.  It would be about my obsession with the fiber arts...and everything else that came into my brain.  I came home, I went to Blogger and the rest, as they say, is history.  It took me forever to figure stuff out (I'm slow sometimes) but before I knew it, I had a blog and I was actually blogging.  The muse fed me ideas to write about, and post titles that made me decide on what to include.  And I've met some amazing people through the blogosphere world.  And I am happy.

My life has changed in the last year and it's also stayed quite a bit the same.  But one thing is constant; the yarn.  So I will continue to write and yarn and share my trials, tribulations, joy, and sorrows here.

Thank you to all of you who stop by and take a few minutes out of your day to read my ramblings. It means a great deal to me; more than words can express.  

But I Did

The alarm went off this morning and I didn't want to get out of bed...but I did.

I didn't want to get in the shower and get dressed and comb my hair...but I did.

I didn't want to walk down stairs...but I did.

(I did desperately want that first cup of coffee)

I didn't want to drive to work...but I did.

I didn't want to actually walk into work...but I did.

I didn't want to actually do any work once I was sitting at my desk...but I did.

It was the longest day ever...the culmination of the longest week ever, and I didn't want to stay all day...but I did.

Now, home and weekend...TV and yarn and a shindig and time with the BFF to look forward to.  Sometimes it's the simple things, a pair of comfy pants, hands on the yarn, people you care about right there that wash away the stress and bad and make it all good again.

Lovely Fantasies

I spend a great deal of time daydreaming.  I can't help it.  It's just the way my mind works.  Sometimes, The BFF and I play "anywhere but here" where we tell each other where would be instead of where we are.  What we would be doing and who we would be with.

Sometimes, I text her serial stories...a bit everyday continuing on until we get to the end.  It's been a while since I've done that but we've had a fairy tale, a murder mystery, and a supernatural story.  When I do this, I just write whatever pops into my head and see where the story takes us.

And sometimes....sometimes, I have my lovely fantasies.  Where I imagine what my life would look like if I could orchestrate it according to the script I've written.  Those ones are the best.  Because, for just a few minutes, everything is perfect.  And that right there is why I think daydreams exist. 

Yay March

I love March. It's my favorite month. Everyone tells me that's because my birthday is this month, and maybe that's true, but it's my power month nonetheless. I hate February and I hate October but March?  Yeah. Love. It. 

Despite it not starting out so great this year, I'm determined to own it and make it good on the whole. And to that end, I have some goals:

First: find a project that doesn't suck to use up that yarn. Maybe I'll go back to the mitered squares. But at at any rate, find a project and complete said project before the month is out. 

Second: I wrote a short story a bit ago. And I happen to know of some place I can send it. So...I'm going to do a bit of polishing and then, before the month is out, get the courage to send it on. I hope. I did say that one of my goals for the year was to try and publish so...

Third: I'm going take a step outside my comfort zone. I'm thinking that I'll see what classes are going on at my LYS and, at the very least, sign up to go to one. It's always fun to learn a new technique and bring in a group setting with strangers will definitely push my boundaries in a good way. 

So anyway, those are my goals for this month. 

Semi-retirement

No, not for me.  Unfortunately.  Mom is officially semi-retired.  She only works part time now, just to keep her brain active.  And because we worked in the same building, I usually rode in with her.  But now that her hours are less, I have to drive myself.  

Have I mentioned before that I hate driving with the deep and fiery passion of a thousand suns?  I do.  I'm a pretty good driver; I respect the rules of the road, and other drivers, and stop at stop lines and use my blinker...anyway, I still hate it.  Hate.  It.  Because its scary.  Because all those other people on the road don't have respect and they are trying to hit me.  If I can get someone else to drive, I do it.  I'm comfortable behind the wheel as long as no one else is on the road!  But now, I have to drive myself, and the driver's side window in the convertible doesn't close all the way (there's like a quarter inch gap) and everyone else is driving like there's no one else on the road and they aren't in control of a deadly vehicle and...I haaaate it.

But as I was driving home today, rocking out to my music, I remembered the one thing I like about driving.  When I'm the only one in the car, which can only happen when I drive, the plot bunnies start bouncing around in my brain like they are on crack.  The muse thinks this is the very best time to start playing around.  Why?  I have no idea.  It's not like I'm able to write anything down.  But there she goes, feeding me all sorts of ideas.  Not like I need anymore ideas, though. I've got plenty of those to spare.

Getting on the page, however, is proving to be difficult.

Very Bad, No Good Day

I'm not in the best place emotionally right now and when I got to work, a well meaning friend asked me how everything went this weekend. She was checking on me, I know.  But that brought all the emotions flooding to the surface.  I had just finished talking about it when I get called in...and got royally in trouble.  Yes, I made a pretty bad mistake and yes, it was stupid and could have been avoided if I'd been paying attention.  And I swear the circumstances were different than they looked, but I couldn't prove it so I kept my mouth shut.  The response was a little disproportionate to the mistake...which I quickly rectified.  Or at least, got the correction in motion.  But it felt heinous.  But at any rate, I really didn't need that on top of everything else and I've been sort of in an emotional downward spiral ever since.

But it was just...one thing too many, I guess.  I didn't have the voices or patterns or daydreams swirling in my head to make things better.  I will spiral back up.  I always do.  But it made today a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day.

Galloping Crazies

The last three days were incredibly hard emotionally.  Grieving, mourning, always takes its toll.  And, added to that, was the sheer number of people.  When I say hundreds, I'm not exaggerating.  I had my siblings, my mom, a few little kids, to act as a buffer.  The BFF was on text standby 100% of the time.  Tato, my younger brother, is particularly good at talking me down from a panic attack.  But with all the emotion and then the anxiety...I was wiped.

It didn't help that there are several family members who seem to take great joy in tearing other people down.  I try my damnedest to be a kind and compassionate person.  My mother raised me to be a giving person and I do my best to succeed at that.  And I'm a Pisces.  To be in the midst of all that drama, all that strife, when it should be about mourning and remembering and grieving...

There are people in my extended family who are just crazy.  And not in the fun way.  That, almost more than anything else, was hard to deal with.  I went into the whole thing knowing there may be comments or looks and I steeled myself to behave appropriately.  But sometimes, it was really hard.  They did their best to make me (and some others) feel like I was an interloper, like I had no right to be there.  I wanted to walk up to one of them, tap them on the shoulder,  and when they turned around, scream at them that he was mine!  My uncle, my godfather, and he meant a great deal to me. Not that it would do any good had I done that, they would have just told stories about how awful I had been.  I know that I can't control people's actions, only my reactions to them.  And I know the truth of the matter and that their opinions were wrong.  But still...it was very hard.  I know that I was welcome there, that there were many, many, many people that appreciated me there.  That I was a solid force for some to lean on and gather strength.  And that my uncle was smiling down on us.

Because, there was a lot of the good crazy, too.  Despite the incredibly sad reason we were all gathered, we were all together.  And that meant that the there were children running around and having a good time, and there were stories and catching up and laughter and joy amidst the sorrow.  It was organized chaos as only a gathering with hundreds of family can be.   A little, at times, like herding cats.  Trying to get everybody out the door and where they needed to be at the right time was an exercise in patience.  Those things were crazy and awesome at the same time.

In the end, despite the bad, it was a great big party.  And that, is perhaps, how it should be.  A celebration of life.

I Now Know

I can talk about this now because it's over and I've processed...

I now know what the bad feeling I had the week before last was all about.  It wasn't work, or the guest post or Toby's mitts.  Though all those things were a cause for a bit of anxiety, it wasn't what was causing the icky feeling in my stomach.

Very unexpectedly and without any warning whatsoever, my uncle passed away. He was my godfather and I spent a great deal of my childhood in his presence.  Every summer, I would spend a week or two with him and my aunt.  It was a special time, just for me.  He was a vibrant man.  Our views didn't always align, but he was a goodhearted and generous soul.  He was very loved by his ginormous family as well as many, many friends and neighbors.  I know that we will feel his loss always.

Rest in peace, Uncle.  You are with the angels now.