Leftovers

Would y'all mind terribly if I whined like a spoiled little brat for a minute?

See, here's the thing.  I try really hard to be a good person.  I've been told I'm very sweet on numerous occasions.  I'm giving, I'm compassionate, I'm kind.  And I'm not trying to brag, it's just how I'm made and I try really hard to do good things.  I like being a good person and doing nice things.  

Sis is...not so much.  Now, don't get me wrong, she does nice things.  But overall, she's...well, she can be a bitch.  And she can be snarky and she can be mean and she can be very, very selfish.  I love her to bits and she's a good person deep down but it doesn't always show.

Her first thought is how whatever the situation is is going to affect her.  I think of others first most of the time.

But, for some reason, everybody loves Sis.  Just loves her.  She can be mean and bitchy and they still love her.  And I don't get the same love.  Or, rather, I don't feel the same love.  I suddenly become second best, the consolation prize, the left over.

Now, see how whiny and selfish this makes me sound?

But I can't help but feel this way and if I don't get it out it's going to become a darkness in my chest and then I'll get mean and I don't want to be that way.  So I need to rant it out of my head so I can let it go.  

I was Daddy's little girl until she was born.  And even though I was only three, I knew the dynamic had changed.  I knew things were different and I remember how that felt. And children flock to her like she's some kind of pied piper.  And, my cousin and her kids are here and I know she lived with them for four years, but it's like she's some miracle come to life and I'm just an after thought.  And you'd think that since it's been this way practically my entire life that I'd be used it by now and able to let it go.  But I'm human and I have issues.  And I get jealous.  And yeah, I know that's what it is.  I'm jealous that she gets all the love and attention and I just get the leftovers.  And it's petty of me and I don't know how to make it stop.

I've talked to her about it and she just gives me a cheeky grin and says that's how it should be.  And she's mostly joking.  But she also, like a queen, expects to be adored and basks in that adoration.  

Now, I know I have people in my life that love me best.  And she should have them, too.  But when I feel like a second class citizen around her it hurts.  I don't understand what makes her that special, what makes everyone adore her so.  Though I probably should because I adore her as well.  But we have that sister relationship and that's how it should be. 

You know what it is?  It's that when I was young and still developing emotionally, I was pushed aside for her.  There were people that did it deliberately, making it obvious that they were choosing her over me.  And so when it happens now, the old hurts, that deep hurt, comes to the forefront.  I'm grown now and I know how to keep my emotions in check.  But that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt like a son of a bitch.

I feel guilty as hell for putting this out there but I also feel a lot better for getting it off my chest.  I love her and she does do nice things sometimes and she's done them for me.  And she's freaking hysterical and sometimes she makes me laugh so hard my face hurts.  I really do understand why people love her.  I just wish that I felt like I got equal love instead of second place.  And that's on me, not her.  So I need to let it go and not blame her.

I'm going to try really hard, at least.